Guilt ate at her. Each time she came into contact with another young wolf, she was reminded of the fact that she had maimed a child. She had seen her, the colorful girl before it all started to shift… what had become of her? What wounds had the woman left on her? Bellamy sighed heavily as she left the den she’d shared with Acere. Her heart was heavy, her doubts gnawing at her in a way that made her feel like she was losing her mind once more. Her time as a slave… Why were those days coming back to haunt her now? Had losing Gavroche truly broken her in such a way that she was reliving her past? Even now she’d committed an act that could not be reversed… and the second raid… Divinities above… “Lady Celeste, I do not understand… What have I done to bring about this fate? Have… have the Divinities truly turned their back on me? Is this the act of Delusion and Calamity…?” The fallen Divinities… had then lured her into false security? Was she truly cursed? She walked alongside the creek, her tail tucked between her legs, and her gaze focused on the ground before her. That was their power, was it not? What a fool she was… losing Gavroche was surely the first stage of it all… the fall from grace… him being reborn was a mercy for him… and punishment for her… and now that Acere was here… would they steal him away from her too? Was this all just some elaborate beginning to her eternal suffering? “Dammit all…” "Speech," 'Thought.'

"Speech"

Eltrys was studying the paths through the sycamores, watching the goings on of small prey and which paths were used the most by his new pack. Also so he could find his way back to his new den in the dead of night on a new moon.

His sharp ears suddenly pricked at the sound of slow footfalls, an absent swish of the reeds and grass by the creek. He watched the large form of the battle scarred veteran leader Bellamy meander forlornly along the bank of the creek. He made to step forward but instead, he felt the need to hang back.

Ah, that was why. He was in clear earshot of her grieving. Perhaps other wolves would have felt uncomfortable at intruding upon such a private conversation with one's guides and spirits, but Eltrys had been raised to lurk in the corridors of the temple since he was a suckling babe. Truly, old habits die hard.

He cast his glacial gaze to the stones and moss, unsure if he had any right to come forward to his new leader. She was grieving, the shame she was feeling rising within her he could feel in his own bones.

He sighed quietly to himself as she expressed her damning curse to it all and stepped forward on silent paws, making it as if he was just arriving on the scene, coming to the creek for a drink. As if he had not heard a word. A tactic he was told would help put the mourners at ease and not feel like they were purposefully eavesdropped upon.

He curtly nodded his head and gave her a quaint "Hello," as he crossed her path and took a sip from the creek. He lifted his head but remained crouched over the water, remembering an old ritual his mother actually taught him. Something the old priests would have never condoned or admitted worked.

While he watched the opposite shore, his gaze following a leaf gently floating by on the current, he finally spoke up properly,

"I've heard a great many lamentations to that effect. So many cry out about the divines turning their backs upon their followers. Somehow feeling as if they deserve to be thrown to some greater evil." The leaf went out of sight, "You wouldn't be alone in feeling that way, I assure you."

He brought his piercing gaze, softened with practiced wisdom, up to the leader's mint greens. She had many more years than him, he wouldn't be so bold as to assume he knew more than her.

"What is it about? If I may ask, of course. I don't mind lending you an ear." He was unobtrusive, still crouched over the bank of the creek, a drip of water dropped from his chiseled chin back into the water.

Bellamy does not expect to have been heard by any wolf, but when she lifts her gaze to see one of Ethne’s newer members standing at the edge of the creek she frowns deeply. Her ears, still pressed against her head, give the slightest of movement as she slows her steps to a stop. Her mind has grown loud, and worry about making her daughter worse again with these feelings has kept her from speaking with her fellow Leader. Those thoughts are like an angry hive, buzzing and vibrating within her head, repeating over and over. She feels on edge, sick, and full of shame. The wolf before her, Eltrys, is offering comfort, but Bellamy’s gaze falls to her paws. Was she deserving of it? A heavy sigh passes her lips and the old wolf lowers her rump to the earth. Perhaps… speaking of it to more wolves will help.

“It is hard not to feel that way when your whole life you have carried with you traces of blood and the souls of so many upon your consciousness.” The woman does not lift her gaze and instead lets it fall to the creek to watch the flow of the water. “There is a lot of weight, years of guilt… of weakness.” Her tone betrays the blame she places on herself. Another sigh leaves her. For him to understand, and truly understand what she is facing now, Bellamy knows she will need to open up about her past to him as she had to her daughter. It is something that still makes her uneasy, revealing a side of herself that she had hoped never to have to share with anyone.

“For you to truly understand… I need to go back to my youth, to lead you up to everything.” Bellamy shakes her head. “It all began when I was barely allowed out of the den, playing with my sisters. There was an accident, a cave in… Ana had been within. Rosie and I ran to get our parents who began trying to dig her out when wolves of the Empire came.” Even now, years after the events had happened, she still remembered the approach of the Kedieo soldiers so vividly. The cold looks in their eyes chilled her to the core, freezing her with fear.

“They demanded my parents give them my remaining sister and I… My father refused, turning to fight them.” He had been a strong man, tall, but still short of the dire wolves that turned on him. “It… was a losing battle. My mother tried to help him, but in the end I watched my parents be torn apart before my eyes. Then they set their gaze on Rosemary and I… and… my sister moved to avenge our parents.” Bellamy squeezed her eyes closed. “Her life was over in seconds… They killed her as if she was prey, snapping her neck and dropping her body to the ground… I was so terrified… I… I couldn’t do anything…” Some small part of her knew why. She had been a child. What had she expected herself to be able to do?

“I was taken into the empire… part of the Empress’ new project to weed out resistance as she went about conquering the packs of Lyenne… an army of children.” She opened her eyes again. Pain and loss reflected within them. “Those times were ones I had hoped to shut away forever… but I still remember them so clearly… the beatings, the threats… Obedience was the only way to survive… and when it came to fighting, you fought for your life. They wouldn’t waste herbs on the injured… you would be left to die or meet your fate at the paws of any other resistance that happened upon you.”[/coolor] Bellamy shook her head.

“I was less than a year old when the raids began, sneaking into camps to steal the lives of those who slept… Cowardice is what kept me alive… choosing to take the lives of others rather than die with honor as my parents and sister had standing for what was right…” Her claws dug into the soil and Bellamy’s body grew tense. “The divinities only know how many lives I’ve taken, how many wolves I encountered on the battlefield and fought to steal them away from their loved ones, just as the soldiers of the Empire had done to me…” Only she would leave no survivors. She had been so afraid of death…

“I was an adult before I managed to resist them at all… all over a young Tasmanian Devil, my companion now… They were torturing him and something snapped inside. I defended him, despite the rain of blows that fell as a result.” Another sigh. “Days later… I took an opportunity of a lapse in the guards watching over us. I killed them, and, on my way out, slipped into the heart of the territory where the empress was. They were so confident in our obedience, in the ability of their guards watching us that they didn’t think anyone would get close enough to her. I killed her in the same way she ordered us to kill those who fought her will, and I fled.” Bellamy lifted her gaze to Eltrys at last.

“Ghosts follow you… They’ve followed me my whole life, showing again when I return to battlefields alongside others, and what I see shifts present with the past like the waves of the rolling sea.” Would that make sense to him at all? “It… had been so long since it last happened that when strangers came to Ethne’s borders in the night that I didn’t think. I woke up reacting, perhaps in fear that the past sins I’d once done were coming back to light against me and my family. I wasn’t… I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was so angry… and just like then… the battlefield began to shift…” And then the shame of it all… her gaze fell again, her posture shifting to reflect the guilt she felt.

“I… I remember a child approaching me… and then my mind snapped… Everyone was fighting around me. By the time I could recall anything of what was going on one of my packmates was on my tail as I fled the battlefield, telling me that I had maimed a child…” Her voice became quiet. “I don’t remember the fight at all… but… I know I was furious with their arrival… there was no reason… I…” Bellamy drew in a shuddering breath. “Unwell mind or not… it doesn’t change the fact that she had been maimed… her blood is upon my fangs… It is my fault and responsibility to bear… and… and now that action undoubtedly will bring trouble for our pack… the place of stability I’d hoped to create for my family…” She didn’t lift her gaze now, tears pricking at her eyes.

“The Divine know of my sins… making me reflect, seeing the error of my ways in the youth of our pack… reminding me of what I did to a child… a child that was like them…” The woman scoffs softly. “What wolf would ever believe I was anything more than a monster…?” She had left out the struggles she and her family had faced. Of the murder of her mate, and the toll it had taken on her heart and soul. But it was all laid out before Eltrys, a woman full of grief and regret struggling against herself... believing herself to be the fault of it all, even with some of the circumstances beyond her control. In many ways it revealed the child she had been all those years ago, still grieving and hurting over everything had gone so very wrong...

"Speech," 'Thought.'

"Speech"

Eltrys listened attentively, flicking his ear and nodding his head at opportune times to assure her.

She had gone through terrible terrible things and blamed herself for it. For not being strong enough. Surely she had gone through more life than that, but already it was more than enough for one to carry on their shoulders alone.

He had sat comfortably and even tucked his front paws under his chest as he listened, it was there that he remained silent for a moment, watching the water.

"Is there a weakness in survival? Truly?" He started gathering his breath from thinking deeply, "What was a child doing on the forefront of a raid? Why would it be your fault if the child's parents were the ones to put them in harm's way?" The ex-priest looked skeptically at Bellamy. He understood the idea of reacting in the heat of battle, of the past forcing itself forward into the mind's eye. She was also defending her home.

"If you had died so honorably before, then you would not have seen your daughter take her first breath in this world. You would not be here to see her rise above the transgressions against you and your bloodline."

He had more to say but he held his tongue until Bellamy thought that through for a moment, maybe she would offer him more context. He didn't want to give her some age-old platitudes that meant as much as dust anyway.

His questions caused Bellamy to shift, guilt radiating from the woman as she spoke. “Is survival justifiable if it means taking the lives of others?” She asked back. That was the part that she struggled with understanding. She had survived, yes, but at the cost of so many lives, of fighting for the Empire that stole her family from her. Her life could only be prolonged by stealing it from others the way they had done to her family. Bellamy felt those losses… mourned for them in her own way. The woman was not a monster by choice, but by circumstance… but did it really matter when the end result was the same?

“Things are… different in Boreas and Auster…” Bellamy met his next question with a small explanation. “I suppose here wolves only come to raid for resources, rather than for lives… I know some of our own fresh yearlings had helped defend us when they came, but she was younger. I… personally can’t fathom why they would bring such young wolves with them. Perhaps it is because with such raids there would be no real risk… But I don’t know for sure… I wanted to be angry about it… but it doesn’t change the fact that I have caused permanent damage to a child.” Bellamy sighed again.

“While this is true, I can’t help but fear my teachings have brought risk to her and our family… this pack that I have risen for them.” Bellamy furrowed her brow. “Ironic as it is… my late mate was of that same family and empire that brought such devastation to my early years. But he was different, the kindest, gentlest wolf I’ve ever met, even for a healer…” Bellamy closed her eyes. “And yet this world, so rotten and full of thorns, found a wolf who thought it fit to murder him, tearing wings and head from his body…” Her face twisted at the memory, a hint of a snarl in her voice.

“His pelt at borders does little to soothe what he has done… my mate has been given a second chance, a new life, a new identity, in that of my grandson…” She opened her eyes again, looking at Eltrys. “I fear that I might harm the youth here, as I did the girl… as far as I have seen such episodes have only happened on battlefields with groups, alliance versus alliance… they shift and warp, the faces and features flashing a mix between those from years ago… and the present… it is hard to keep track of what is truly going on… as if my mind can’t truly determine what is before me.” Her look is thoughtful, yet still pained.

“...and even if the other pack knew this, it would bring them no solace I’m sure. Their daughter is maimed, and I’m the one that did it…” She grew tense, not realizing how easily words have been spilling from her mouth. “...already they’ve started punishing others for my sin… they maimed Haydee…” She trailed off, clearly bothered by that as well.

"Speech," 'Thought.'

"Speech"

Eltrys tilted his head at the leader. She had been made into a tool, with no escape and no choice.
"Does the claw carry the sins of the wolf? Or the tooth? Should the knife be held accountable for the atrocities it committed in the maw of its wielder?" He sighed ruefully, he did not want to tell anyone who he could be. Though here, it may not matter who he was supposed to be... Or was this the destiny he was meant to carry all along? Be forced to relive a life he'd lived before?

"Bellamy, I tell you this not to sound arrogant, but perhaps it will help you understand where I come from, but please, do not share this with any others.

I was told I am the reincarnated messiah of my sect, come again to grant absolution, and forgiveness. To grant audience and commune with the divines directly. I was raised with these expectations set upon me.

Whether it is true... remains to be seen.

My uncle sent an assassin to end me so my cousin could take my place. They took my mother while hunting me and said I would be blamed.

I don't blame the assassin. The fault is my uncle's."
He stood, stretched his legs, shook his shaggy pelt. Regardless of how things may be different here, fighting a battle and the responsibility should be the same.

"If the child was old enough to decide to risk a raid where anything could happen, then they are a fighter who should have known the risks. As the defender, you did what you needed to do to survive and protect your pack, your daughter, and your grandchildren. If the child had not known the risks, the blame rests with her parents for not warning her and should not have placed her in the raid to begin with.

There is no guarantee of survival when teeth and claws clash. Raid or not, customs or not. Hopefully, the child survives, she was lucky to be merely maimed."

He lifted his gaze to Bellamy's, compassionate, sorrowful, steadfast filled his arctic blues to near tears.

"Truly the only sin I see that is yours, is that you believe you must carry the world's transgressions against you as if they are your transgressions against the world. I am so sorry you have been made to feel like this is all your fault." He shook his head in sympathy, the way others are used as tools and then blamed for the crimes they were forced to commit was not right.

He perked his ears as Haydees name was mentioned, and he nodded.
"Haydee's scars seem to be filling in rather well, she carries them fiercely. I told her such when I met her. They mark her as a staunch survivor against giant odds. Every scar upon your body is your honorable award for beating death. Surviving another season is sometimes all that matters in this life. She is small but mighty!" He complimented with amusement, "Her might came from her mother no doubt."

"I don't believe your fears for the young of Ethne are completely unfounded." Eltrys finally started on what seemed to be weighing the second heaviest on her shoulders.
"I'm sorry you face the waking nightmares of your past. It is not an easy thing to live with. With the demons and hell you were forced to live through, it is no wonder you feel as if they chase you still. I cannot give you the remedy for those terrors, it is not mine to give.
But, What I can provide If you'll take it, and I understand if you will not, is absolution. As a target of assassins, as someone who lost my mother to assassins, as a trained priest of my sect, Bellamy if you'll take it, I forgive you, you can be absolved" Perhaps... if she believes, she can put down those sins that were not hers to carry, she could then focus on the nightmares that haunt her in the daylight. It was a long shot, she may need to hold on to them still, a form of self-protection against the evils of the world. He would not hold it against her if she denied his forgiveness and still believed she had to seek atonement. But perhaps he was set on this path... so he could come here and give her the peace that she desperately needed.

The words she is met with only cause the frown upon her maw to deepen. She didn’t understand… did he truly not believe her to be the one responsible for her actions? That taking those lives, that by acting on behalf of the empire, she was a monster? That mindset reminded her of her late mate, and Bellamy furrowed her brow. She did not interrupt Eltrys as he spoke, gaining information that was quite strange. A messiah… one to grant forgiveness and commune with the Divine. But were the Divine he could speak with and those she believed in one in the same? She tilted her head to the side, not understanding. Yes the uncle had sent the assassin after his mother, but the assassin had still chosen to take the woman’s life. Murder was still murder… they didn’t have to agree to do so. But… she continued to frown, listening as Eltrys continued to speak.

His words, while they seemed to support Bellamy and what she had done, were not without compassion for the girl who had been maimed in the process. Bellamy knows it is only because it is a child that she feels this level of sorrow, that she hates what she has done so deeply. If the parents had not warned the girl of what could happen, then she was a cruel reminder of what the world could do to a kid. Her gaze falls. Of course she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, bearing its weight as if it is all her fault. With the exception of a small handful of wolves in her life, Bellamy has known no different. The fault had always been hers. She was a monster of the empire, a weapon to cut down the resistance. It is hard for her to see anything beyond that… she fails to see what her daughter sees. What all of Ethne sees.

The compliment feels strange to her… that Haydee might have gotten her strength from her. No, Bellamy’s mind cuts in. Her strength and love came from her father, the good that the man had done in his life. Even now Bellamy struggles to be gentle with herself. She shifts uneasily, gaze lifting back up at Eltrys. Her ears remained pinned, a soft whimper leaving her lips. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think that I’m ready to be forgiven…” She hopes that he doesn’t take offense to her words, but Bellamy knows that to truly be forgiven, she will need to become gentler with herself first. Then, and only then, will she be able to find peace.

“My fault or not, until I find a way to apologize, to own up for what happened to the girl in that Raid, I don’t think I will be ready to be.” Bellamy’s gaze falls again. “You’re right in saying she should have been made aware of the risks… but she was still hurt. She is still forever marked. Maybe it is the mother in me that cares, or the child in me who was once a soldier… but she is the one I wish to find peace with. Less so her pack… I understand what it is like to have your youth altered in a way you can not control.” The woman sighed softly.

“All the same, your offer is appreciated, Eltrys… please don’t think it is not.” She shakes her head. “For some time the agent Chaos has been following me, and the twins Delusion and Calamity have lurked nearby. It is… hard to tell if events are their work, if the rest of the Divinities have given up on me, or if this is merely another test of their wills…” Bellamy sighs heavily. “But it is tiring… more than anything I wish for my family to find peace… to have the safety I sought for them when I created this pack. I’ve carried the weight of the world upon me for so long, I think nothing of it when I’m asked to do so again and again… but I do not want that fate for my loved ones… those of blood or not. Ethne is meant to be our haven, or sanctuary…” She glances back at him.

“All I can ask is for you to aid my daughter the best that you can. Haydee is young, and she needs the support.” And maybe one day her mother would be willing to accept that same level of support as well.

"Speech," 'Thought.'

"Speech"

He could see her confusion clearly as he went on.  He nodded solemnly when she apologized and denied his forgiveness. He had a feeling she would say as much and was not offended. She would remain tormented as long as she willed it, it was not always easy to find the way out even if the path was given to you.

She at least relented that the girl should have been made aware but still Bellamy refused to put down the burden of maiming her. He nodded understanding, gently sitting before the taller woman, still eagerly listening. She went on about whom she called the Agent of Chaos, Delusion, and Calamity. They sounded like entities with different names where he came from, perhaps they were the same? Or perhaps they were similar but of a different arrangement than what he had known before? Maybe it mattered little in this circumstance.

"I take no offense, Bellamy. The very fact that you grieve and are impacted by these events so deeply is a testament to your virtue. Your care and kindness seep from your very pores. That is why it is so heavy on you now. I think you have done well in providing this sanctuary."
He dipped his head as she mentioned her daughter, "If Haydee allows my aid, I will give it just as readily. I can not presume she will want it until she says so herself." He was adamant that the young leader would have her autonomy.

"Though I was trained to carry the burdens of my people, it is your right to hold them how you see fit. When you are ready to lay them down, my mother once taught me that the waters can carry our transgressions better than any prophet or prayer. She told me to speak them into the water as if they would turn into a stick or leaf and the water would carry them away to the ocean. So perhaps when you are ready, if you feel so inclined to share, you can tell me if that ritual felt right for you." He hoped the idea might be a comfort at least.