Vanille as she always had been was stuck in a way of life that never seemed to change. She was happy with what she had, and she was always terrified of making that one wrong step. The odds of that happening were incredibly slim. But still she walked around on eggshells all day everyday. For the pack, for Arcturus' family, and even for him. She had grown into a comfortable pattern with him but was reverting back. Worried, and lately distant.

She had come back to the den after a short herb gathering trip out of the pack, seeing Arcturus settling down for the night. She gave him a small kiss on his forehead and just a gentle smile before moving to a separate part of the den and sorting out the herbs she had collected. She wasn't a big initiator with many things, conversation, intimacy, she had grown complacent. It probably wasn't healthy for her or Arcturus.

"Arc & Vanille"

Arcturus let out a slow sigh as he settled onto the furs in his and Vanille's den, his blue eyes quietly shifting to look around the space. He had spent the day hunting and patrolling the borders as he tended to do every day. Day in and day out. It felt like he had fallen into a mundane life and routine and while he knew there were certainly worse ways to live he didn't know if this was really the fulfilling life he had hoped it would be. Maybe it was his mother's illness that had him reconsidering where his life was or maybe it was just the realization that in a couple of seasons he would be five, half way through his life, and he didn't have a whole lot to show for it. He had thought that his mother would be around to help him learn how to be a parent, but with how things were going and how quickly her health was deteriorating that was coming more and more in question. He knew he couldn't have predicted his mother's situation, but he and Vanille had been together for several years now and it felt like he was the only one trying to move their relationship forward.

As the thought crossed his mind, Vanille returned from her herb gathering trip, bringing his attention to her. He lifted his head to greet her with a smile, but she simply kissed his forehead and turned away to go sort her herbs. His smile faded and his shoulders slumped slightly with growing disappointment. He had been so patient for so long as he tried to respect her uncertainty and her boundaries, but more and more lately it felt like they were moving backward instead of forward. He loved her dearly so he thought that he could wait as long as she needed to grow comfortable with him, but he was beginning to wonder if that way would ever come. After a few moments he shifted to sit up as he asked, "Vanille... what are we doing?" he stood, moving closer to her with his ears folding back against his head. "Do you... want this relationship with me? I just feel like... I don't know..." He hesitated and looked away, adding, "Are you ever going to want a family the way I do?"

"Arc & Vanille"

She was oblivious to his disappointment, despite how long it may have been welled up inside him. Maybe she knew how distant she was getting from him as she grew comfortable in this lifestyle. But she was choosing to keep it at that. She didn't need anymore than this, Arcturus did however.

As his voice rang out, not in any aggressive manner, she still felt a shudder of tension that ran through her body. She took a moment before looking towards him. She was a little stunned to say anything, forced to face some kind of reality. Before she could answer his first question she was met with another. And she was speechless. Maybe that told him all he needed to know before she said anything at all. She wanted to be with him, he was her first for everything. Her first friend, and her first real, true love. She thought so. "I...guess not." Was all she could really say. Because she couldn't push past that barrier. If Arcturus wanted more than what they had now she couldn't give that to him. She was too afraid for what would happen next. She wasn't ready. She had turned her gaze back away from him too, though no longer playing with the collection of herbs in front of her. Silence filled the air between them, she was at a loss of what to do. She was good at holding her emotions, so she wouldn't shed a tear. She wouldn't fight him. But she was a whirlwind inside her head. It would catch up with her eventually, and he probably wouldn't be here to see how much she would have wanted to make them work out. She couldn't show him how much he truly mattered to her in this very moment.

"Arc & Vanille"

He wasn't sure what he had been hoping for. Reassurances, maybe. A realization of just how stagnant their relationship had become. Maybe an apology or an explanation or a promise to put more intention behind their time together. Even if she hadn't said anything and just came to bed that might have even chased away his doubts for a time. Instead, he was met with one of the heaviest silences he had ever experienced and a short and simple response. I...guess not. He stood there, staring at her for a while, grappling with the choice that was placed in front of him. He could accept that this might be how they spent their lives for the rest of their days in order to stay with the woman he loved or he could leave in hopes of chasing the larger picture he had always had for himself. He didn't want to hurt Vanille, but how much more of himself and his own desires was he willing to sacrifice?

As hard as it was to face the obvious answer, he knew what he had to do. He sighed softly as the silence continued without her even able to meet his gaze and he glanced away toward the ground for a moment. He had expected this to hurt, but he wasn't sure what hurt more–the heartbreak or knowing that Vanille would have been content to lead him on to the end of time if he hadn't spoken up. He quietly stepped toward her and placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "I'm sorry," he said softly, looking away from her. "I love you and I probably always will, but I don't want to waste my life like this." He turned toward the entrance of the den, pausing only long enough to say, "Keep this den if you want. It's yours." He stepped out into the evening air before the hard knot in his throat could betray him and went to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

"Arc & Vanille"

She couldn't say much else, even as he tried to assure her he would probably always love her. She went completely still and silent. cheek turned towards him but otherwise not looking at him. At least it wasn't such a harsh, messy break up. But it still hurt. The way he thought he would be wasting his life with her had he stayed. She internalized everything. Not a single tear fell. Not now.

He offered her the den before leaving, and she stayed for some time just laying there on the floors. But she couldn't stay here. She knew she would talk to Kotori either in the morning or a few days from now. And then she would go back... to her mother's den. Living every day like the last. Her consideration she'd find someone else to sweep her off her paws like Arcturus had was unimaginable for her. She didn't really think herself as worthless, but she didn't think herself as great. She had baggage, she felt lucky to have been with him. And she didn't know what the future held for her.

-Exit Vanille-

"Arc & Vanille"