The Autumn air chilled as the sun set, the golden glow dying down to a blue hue. A breeze blew by and Esti watched mindlessly as the trees dropped their leaves in the distance. Her blue eyes skimming the slate horizon for the familiar stormy figure to appear. Valentine was due for a visit. Since Ashmedai had been born, everything had been revolving around him. Was he safe, was he entertained, was he well? Questions always spinning in the new mother's mind. The little dappled figure was curled into her side, her tail clasped between his spackled paws and under his chin. He was so tiny, lanky, but he was definitely going to grow into a monster like his parents. It was odd, seeing a fully formed wolf at her side when it was still so small.

The longer Esti was a parent, the more she realized how little she had learned about, well, anything other than being a loner. Her muscles had tightened back into place, but her stomach still sagged, and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. Was it ugly? Did it always happen? It swayed back and forth with her steps, and she had thought it had gone down some, but she couldn't really tell. That said, Esti had been thinking about how Ashmedai was born. Esti had two mothers, and she knew that only one was her real mother, but this also meant that she had a real dad too. Somehow the thought had never really crossed her mind or bothered her. It still didn't bother her, but she was curious as to why her mother did that. Did her father know he had pups even? Esti could have never told Valentine she was having a pup and he probably wouldn't have ever known Ash was his. Well, the stormy colors on Ashmedai's coat told another story, but theorhetically Valentine wouldn't have known. Maybe Esti's father didn't want anything to dowith them. She wouldn't half blame him, Esti didn't want to be a parent herself, though she loved Ashmedai.

At first Esti had felt void of any emotion towards the pup, but she wanted to protect it. Now she could definitely say she loved him in a way she didn't quite understand. She didn't know how to be a parent other than trying to prevent any of the bad things that had happened to her from happening to him. Valentine would have to do the refining for both of them. Esti needed it too. She didn't understand pack life, really, and thus far had stayed tucked away by her den with only rare visits from others. She didn't have the desire to want to know anyone else, though, or even stay in a pack unless she was a leader like she was when she was little. All that was good and all, but if staying in the pack would mean Ashmedai was safe and well-raised, then she could deal with it for now.

The woman sighed as the night crept closer. She wanted Valentine to talk to her about her. Ashmedai was the most important, but Esti had internal conflicts that she wasn't used to dealing with. Overall, she just felt so drained and melancholy. Maybe it was the Fall weather, or maybe she just needed to get out more. She wasn't sure, and that's why she wanted to talk to Valentine, adult to adult.

"Speech"
'thoughts'

Dusk was falling, the steady decline in light signaling the rapid approach of night. Valentine was hoping he wasn't too late. The day had been long and he was tired, and he just wanted to say goodnight to the boy before he began his night vigil. A noticeable gray haze began to descend as the final pink tendrils of sunset faded away. The brute picked up the pace. He had a feeling he was already too late. Ash had a tendency to treat the day as if there wasn't enough hours in it. He had energy aplenty and if he'd spent the day rushing from thing to thing Valentine was willing to bet he'd crashed already. As he reached the densite Valentine's ears tipped forward as he listened intently for signs that Ash was still awake. Ears straining, he stood still in silence for several seconds. Finally, his voice low in the hopes that if Ashmedai was already asleep, he wouldn't wake him, he queried, "Esti?" ""

Watching the color drain from the sky and surrounding areas was oddly calming. The chill in the air became comfortable as Esti fluffed out her fur a bit. The den was always warm and with Ashmedai at her side, the giantess began to lull to sleep. Her eyes drooped and the horizon blurred into a dark grey blob. Esti's breathing slowed and her head rested heavy on her paws. In the dull, sleepy fog of the girl's mind, she thought she heard a name. That was her name. Was it real? Surely that was Valentine's voice. Esti's head bobbed up and sleepily she called out, "Valentine..?" She blinked a few times, shifting to get a better angle and nudging Ashmedai unknowingly who mumbled in response. Was she just hearing things or was Valentine really here?

"Speech"
'thoughts'

Esti's groggy voice reached his ears. She hadn't already been asleep, had she? Well, it was too late to sneak away now. On silent paws he crept forward until he was close enough to duck down and peer inside. He couldn't see either of them, but by the muffled sounds that reached his ears Valentine guessed that both had settled down for the night. "Yes," he confirmed in a low voice, "I was hoping Ash was still awake." Clearly he wasn't, so his trip had been for naught. Perhaps he could visit in the morning. He'd definitely try again the following night. "Sorry if I woke you." ""

The voice turned out to be, in fact, Valentine. Esti's tail began to wag, but it was held fast by Ashmedai. The woman was glad her pup had held it down. She didn't want to appear that excited. Still, she offered a gentle kiss to Valentine's chin, hoping secretly he would reciprocate. Nothing lustful, not this time. It was something else, but Esti didn't dare think about it too long. Valentine was hoping their boy was awake, "Sadly for you, he is not. Gladly for me he is asleep." She spoke under her breath, just loud enough for Valentine to hear,"He's running me ragged and he's not even half my height." Laughing softly, Esti licked the pup's head. Ashmedai curled closer to his mother's tail in response, mumbling something that sounded like "leader", but one couldn't be sure. The fae turned to Valentine, "It's fine- waking me up. I had just dozed a bit." Esti scooted over slightly, "Stay for a while?" she asked, looking up at him hopefully before cutting herself off, "-Or like, whatever, I mean you have things to do as alpha and all, I don't care either way, it's not important."

"Speech"
'thoughts'

Her affectionate touch surprised him and without thinking he quickly returned the gesture. Valentine wasn't entirely sure what to make of their relationship, but it had certainly never struck him as affectionate in nature. Maybe he was reading too much into it, but the touch and its possible implications confused him. Was she wanting more than what they had now? Ash had certainly changed things, but he hadn't considered the possibility that Esti might want something different. It was entirely possible he was just thinking too much. "He's running me ragged and he's not even half my height," she said with a quiet laugh. The corners of his lips lifted in a slight smile and he offered, "I'd be happy to take him with me more often." He meant it. Ashmedai was a handful, but he was a cheerful as he was energetic and they had a lot of fun. "He also has three perfectly capable older siblings who would love to babysit, I'm sure." Esti assured him he'd done no harm in visiting and then asked him to stay. Before he could respond she contradicted her hopeful tone by dismissively saying it was whatever and up to him. Momentarily confused (and a touch suspicious as he reconsidered her kiss) Valentine searched Esti's eyes for understanding. After a moment he crept closer and lay down so that his right forepaw was between her forepaws and his left was just to the left of her right forepaw. "What's not important?" Clearly something was important enough for her to ask. ""

The kiss was returned and Esti was glad. A small smile spread across her lips before she continued. Valentine offered to watch Ash more and Esti nodded, knowing he would, but also trying to be understanding that he was the alpha of a pack. He mentioned Ash's sibling and something in Esti stirred. She knew of the other pups, and she new of Cascade, though she wasn't sure of the woman yet. She didn't trust the woman yet. What if she was possessive over Valentine? While Esti knew Valentine had other women, she hated the thought that one of the would want to be his only, his number one. Even if Esti didn't own that position, even if she didn't want it, even if she was fine with sharing him, she didn't want someone else in that spot beside him. She had given up on having Valentine stay, but just as the thought began to dissipate, Valentine lay in front of her, his paws near hers. She couldn't look at him, not now, not this close, "If you have something to do... you should go do it." There was a moment of silence before Esti spoke up again, "Please forget everything I'm going to say." she begged in a whisper, giving it a moment to sink in before she continued, "Even though I never wanted a pup, I love him. Even though I hate being in a pack, I'm happy to be here for him. I feel like I've lost myself to him, but I'm not upset," Esti finally looked at Valentine, "Ashmedai is my everything. I don't want him to know the world I grew up in. I don't want him to know fear or lonleliness like I did. I don't want him to feel abandoned. Both my parents left me. I don't know why or if they ever regretted it, but they left me and it was the worst-" she choked a little on her words, "- most... awful feeling in the world, but I ignored it. I shoved it deep down away from everything. I was alone, and I was scared, but I survived. I don't know if my other siblings did, and to a point, I can't bring myself to care if they did... It would hurt too much..." The woman took a deep breath, "That's why... why... Even if I have to do things I don't like, I'll try to make them work. I'll never, never abandon Ashmedai for as long as I live. I can't, and so-" she paused, wondering if she should admit what she was about to. After a second, the woman decided she already said so much, so why not continue. Her voice shook, on the verge of tears, though they would not spill, "and so, even though I'm miserable here, even though I'm lonely, even though my legs and body ache to just get up and run away, I won't. I won't do it. I won't push this away from me, I'll embrace it... For Ashmedai, even if it really hurts."

"Speech"
'thoughts'

Eye contact became impossible and Valen's suspicions grew. Again Esti told him he should leave if he had anything to do, and in response the brute simply shrugged his shoulders and didn't make a move to rise. He said he was staying, so staying he was. There was a beat of silence then the words, "Please forget everything I'm going to say." His suspicions began to turn to dread as his mind conjured up worst case scenarios. Before he had time to dwelling on them, Esti launched into a rambling monologue. Silence fell as Valentine tried to digest the flood of words. He had no idea where it had come from. Clearly it was something that meant a lot to her. To an extent he could understand where she was coming from; he'd been abandoned more than once (three times, but who was counting?) by his parents and he'd do anything to make sure his kids never had to experience that feeling of loss. That understanding aside, he couldn't figure out why she was telling him all of this now. The King was not a therapist or even just a master of his own emotions. He fixed his problems with one of two ways: fighting or fucking. It wasn't often that he chose a different solution. To say he was unqualified to give advice was an understatement. Nevertheless he decided to try. "I don't want you to be miserable here," he started slowly, "Perhaps we can find a happy medium?" For starters, "You're not a prisoner here, you know. You can come and go as you like." ""

The silence that fell between them was unbearable. Esti shifted slightly under the pressure. Why had she said all that? She had said too much, she was sure. They all had their problems, so why did she think hers took priority? Why was she telling Valentine this now? Esti immediately regretted it. She had given him a core part of who she was, and she couldn't rightfully expect him to do the same, but the amount of information she had just blabbed to the brute felt like too much. Esti's brow furrowed, then Valentine finally spoke. He offered as much as letting her know she wasn't a prisoner and that she could come and go as she pleased. That helped to some extent, but she didn't feel like she could just leave Ashmedai to Valentine all the time. Besides, where would she run to? Her friends in the willows were gone, Valhalla was gone, the only thing she had was here and it was Ash and maybe Valen to some extent. Even with him trying to help her, she felt conflicted. It was like part of her hated him and part of her loved him. In honesty, she recognized the hate was probably just her feeling trapped with his pup and that it would probably pass, but it still felt like it was there, dull, under her skin, as if she was angry at him for some wound he didn't mean to make. It was almost like when she and Laufey would always fight over something someone did to offend the other even if it wasn't that serious. Even though she loved Laufey to an extent, they were always fighting and Esti couldn't imagine it any other way.

The woman sighed, "I know, I know and... Thank you- really. I love Ash, but I sometimes just want it all to stop. I want to be me again, and have you be you again. To have us chasing alligators together as if they could never even touch us, but that won't happen. This is the new normal. I'm going to do my best here, Valen," she would look at him directly now, "Maybe not for the pack as a whole just yet, but for Ashmedai and, surely, if he's raised by you he'll be a great asset and, even more than that, a great son. I can't promise much more than that, though, I've never been a pack wolf, and wouldn't be right now if... you know, but like I said... I kind of regret it, but I kind of don't/" She was being confusing and she knew it, but she really felt confused herself, "I don't know, I really don't know, but everything's so fucked up right now and I don't know whether I'm on the up or down and, I don't know why I'm telling you this even I'm just... I dunno, lonely or something, but I can't just call on company and make this go away, so I guess I'm telling you because telling anyone else would make me want to kill them." Esti shook her head, maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't, "Maybe I just need more sleep."

"Speech"
'thoughts'

He did not understand. For him very little had changed and that was, most likely, where his lack of understanding stemmed from. His kids had changed him, sure, but somehow he was still exactly who he'd always been. He did what he wanted, when he wanted and with who he wanted. Of course there were plenty of instances where he did what he didn't want to do, like look after the kids when he'd had a long day, or lug around a sick and grumpy Angel. But he didn't feel trapped by his kids or his circumstances. That being said, he'd never had to nurse them, never had to devote whole days to their care, so while he was aware of those needs and their toll, he couldn't understand it. He'd never lived it. Truth be told he was also a little annoyed with her view of Imperium and it was quite possible that feeling closed him off to an extent. He took great pride in his pack and to hear how miserable she was in it didn't sit well with him. It made him question her presence among his people. She'd had to make sacrifices, he recognized that, but at what point did she start doing both herself and Imperium harm? In the end he decided it was best to lie. "I understand." He paused to think for a second, then said, "Perhaps you should take a break. Ashmedai is old enough to go a couple days without you. How about you take off for a few days and clear your head? It might do you some good," he suggested. ""

It seemed to take a long time for the brute to answer. Maybe it had, and maybe it hadn't, Esti wasn't sure. There was an unfamiliar easiness in her stomach. She was revealing herself, her weakest parts, to a wolf that, for lack of a better label, was a friend who was also and alpha and was also the father of their pup. The relationship was odd, but Esti didn't find a desire to try to chase Valentine harder or make him only love her. For the woman, it was simply a complicated relationship. It was hard to pin down in definition, but Esti wasn't sorry for it. She didn't like the consequences at first, but even that she had grow to love. A small part of the woman was glad to be able to talk, but a big part of her shouted at her, 'Stupid! What are you thinking? He'll think you're weak now and there's no way he would want you to raise his son here! But Ashmedai is OUR son! Not the way the pack sees it, and in your current state, you're just one challenge away from getting him taken away from you. Valentine wouldn't do that! You don't know that! But I do!'

She willed herself to stop speaking as the man spoke, telling her he understood, offering for her to take a vacation for a few days. It sounded really tempting, but she didn't know how to feel about the offer. She felt like she should and could trust Valentine, but at the same time, she was worried he's toss her aside. What was she to him, anyway? He had other lovers, other children, and surely he could toss them out, but Esti didn't really believe that he would. Her thoughts got ahead of herself, but her heart still believed in the brute. Was that lo- no, it couldn't be, of course not! If she really trusted him, she could take a vacation, escape the pack for a bit. It seemed scary to leave Ashmedai. Would he understand that she was coming back? Still, how long had it been since Esti had seen her brother, Laufey?

"Maybe..." she started, sounding doubtful and reluctant, even to her own ears. She thought she must be being too difficult and that Valentine would become angry with her if she tried to explain her feelings, which confused even her, further, "Maybe I will, but, I really only want you watching Ashmedai, if you can. I want you to give him even more love than usual and make sure he knows every day that I'll be coming back to him. Maybe it'll be good and I can... clear my head. Maybe I'll bring him something back-" the woman paused, a small smile coming to her lips, "How does a gator tail sound? Think I could get one on my own?" Esti tried to lighten the atmosphere. There was no way anyone could really understand how she felt, but she had to at least be thankful for Valentine listening this far. She decided she'd try to turn the conversation around, even if just for a minute, before they parted ways for the night and a final thank you was said. It might do them both some good to have a small laugh.

"Speech"
'thoughts'