I've got all these demons
Yurei
08-10-2020, 01:22 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-10-2020, 01:23 AM by Casso.)
He had already had a good enough motivation to go out and hunt for some kind of animal he could harvest for furs since his sleeping arrangement wasn't exactly comfortable without them and was making the ache in his shoulder return, but now that there was the possibility of Yurei staying there as well it became more of a case of need than want. Only the best would do for her so he intended to hunt until he had more than enough pelts to make the most plush bed possible. With the winters they would eventually need to deal with here they would certainly want them. At least the walls of the ship would protect from wind and snow - he was thankful for that at the very least. Finding a small herd of caribou to start out his hunt with was an easy enough task. They seemed to be fairly common around these parts at the very least. He hung back and watched them for a while from the shadows of the large trees that made up the Red Forest, making sure to keep himself down wind of the herd. His ruby and sapphire gaze kept drifting to the large, heavily antlered male that drifted around the herd, but logic told him that it would be a fool's errand. He'd just leave empty handed and angry with himself for trying it. It didn't stop the thrill chasing part of his mind from wanting it. Finally, he refocused his attention on a smaller female that was hanging toward the edge of the group. It still wasn't the easiest hunt to do on his own, but it was at least possible. It seemed like they were still regaining their weight from the previous winter so she was fairly thin. It also seemed like she had a bit of a limp so it felt like she would be by far the correct choice. He crept in a wide ark around the herd, giving them a wide birth so he wouldn't alert them to his presence too quickly. He reached a point where the female caribou would be within striking distance. Waiting until she was about as far from the rest of the herd as she was going to get, he darted forward with a vicious snarl. The ripple effect of fear through the herd was fast as they all took off running away from where he was and it left his target desperately limping after them and caused her to hang back away from the rest. It was easy to take his chance and made a smooth leap to latch his jaws onto her throat. His teeth sliced through flesh and she went stumbling to the ground with strangled, panicked bleats. A jerk of his head ripped her throat open and sent her blood spilling all over the ground and splashed a good bit of his across his neck and chest as well. It wasn't his cleanest kill, but it was quick and effective which was what he needed if he was going to be hunting alone. There was no one to make sure it didn't try to get up and run off while he made a neat kill. It was kind of a shame since he mostly just wanted it for its pelt, but it would still work fine. Getting the whole caribou back to the pack lands seemed like a difficult task on his own so he made the call to start dressing it here and just take back the pelt. He was sure the meat wouldn't go to waste - some other creature was sure to find it. He set to work methodically and carefully chewing a tear along the caribou's stomach and around each leg as he started to separate the largest continuous piece of skin away from his sides, back, and neck. It was slow work, but it was something he could focus and loose himself in. His mind began to wander and while that was normally a dangerous thing for someone like himself, the act of hunting and the tasks that came along with that helped to keep all those voices at bay. They simply became a quiet buzz in the background which was easy enough for him to ignore at this point. A sound similar to a grunt or snort pulled his eyes up from his work and he froze as his blood began to run cold. A black bear stood several feet away, clearly watching him and eyeing the caribou that he had just killed. It was thin and clearly had just recently emerged from its hibernation. He would have been happy to let it have the remains of his kill once he was done with it and perhaps if he had just continued on with his work it would have waited till he was done. However, the sight of the bear alone sent those lingering whispers and hums of his voices into a whirlwind. "Prove yourself! This is your chance to redeem yourself for your failure." No, absolutely not! he thought in return, but he could already feel his body tensing and heart racing as the adrenaline began to course through his system. Those vocal demons completely over run his thoughts and ignored his denial of their demands. "Fight! Prove that you're not worthless! You keep saying you're better than us, that you're going to silence us, that you hate us. You can't even pass this one test! How do you think you're going to be any better than you are now?! Prove that you're not SPINELESS!" "NO!" he yelled as his lips pulled back into a bloody snarl and his hackles bristled along his back. He couldn't even hear his own voice, all he could hear was them. The bear was immediately put on alert, assuming that his aggression was directed toward it. It rose onto its back paws and stood over him with a roar of its own. "DO IT, CASSO! DO IT! DO IT! FIGHT IT! NOW! PROVE IT!" He just wanted them to stop. He wanted it all to stop, all the voices, the panic that gripped him. He finally caved under their pressure and abandoned the caribou that he had been so carefully and peacefully dressing moments ago, leaping over its body as he went head first toward the bear. It swung it's large paw at him and he danced to the side to avoid its claws. He'd learned something from the first time he had tangled with a bear at least. He moved fast and with sank his teeth deep into the bear's hind leg, pulling a pained sound from it. He ripped and shook his head in frantic tugs at the limb to do as much damage as he could as the bear fell back down onto its front legs and twisted to swipe at him again. He released his hold on its hind leg jumped back out of the way again, but he wasn't fast enough he was never fast enough. Its claws clipped the side of his neck and left a trio of jagged cuts in their wake. They weren't nearly as deep or as damaging as the ones that had caused the scars that rounded his shoulder, but they were more than enough to draw blood and send his demons into an unroar. At this point he couldn't even make out a distinct word from them, it was just maddening screaming that made his head ache. He staggered backward, panting hard and trembling under the weight of his own furious panic. It was too late for him to back down now. He had to push forward, he had to do something. The bear turned to face him, but it struggled to put its weight on its hind leg with the damage he had done to it. That stumble was his opening and as the bear righted itself he jumped forward and bit deep into the ankle of its front leg, giving it the same treatment that he had its hind leg. The bear roared with anger and pain as Casso bit down to the bone. It swung the limb he was currently attached to in a desperate attempt to remove him from it, but for the first few shakes and swings he held firm. The bear finally swung hard enough to throw him into one of the large tree trunks near by, hitting his right shoulder hard. It was enough to force him to let go and fall to the ground like a rag doll. With its back and front limbs on its right side injured badly enough that it couldn't fully put its weight on them, it made it nearly impossible for the bear to move properly. It started to stumble and limp its way away from him, but it wasn't able to get very far. Casso pulled himself back to his feet, staggering for a moment as his already sore shoulder nearly gave out from under him with the impact it had just gone through. Once he was able to move well enough to catch up to it he ran to its right side, staying well away from the radius that it might have been able to reach with its left paw if it tried to do so. He sprang up onto his back legs and sank his teeth into the bear's neck, biting as hard as he could around its throat. After that things became a blur. He could taste its blood on his tongue, he could feel it struggle against him, but it felt like his whole body went into auto pilot. At some point after the bear hit the ground it made one last attempt at saving itself by swiping its powerful paw across his chest, but he barely felt it. Even as the blood began to pour from the wounds, his entire life's focus was on squeezing and ripping at this bear's throat. Eventually, it stopped moving and it still took him several long seconds before he let his jaws relax and release the bear's neck. He staggered back several steps before falling back onto his haunches. He stared at the bear he had just killed with dull eyes that seemed to be staring a thousand yards away. He was covered in blood - his own, the caribou's, and the bears. The cuts on his neck were still bleeding, but they were a small thing compared to the deeper lacerations that ran across his chest. His shoulder was radiating a dull, low ache from the impact he had with the tree. He was beat up, bleeding, panting as if he had just run a marathon, and his whole body was trembling with exertion, but there was silence. Blessed silence. That deep, unsettling panic that he now knew as a panic attack began to creep up his spine and force his whole body to tremble under the weight of it while the blood loss was beginning to make him a bit light headed. A harsh, sharp laugh left him and one laugh tumbled into another until he was shaking with mad, hoarse laughter. He'd done it. It was two years too late, but he'd completed the damned trial that his ancestors had expected of him and the demons were finally silent. They'd be back, he had no doubt about that. The constant, subtle buzz of their voices was still there, but gone were the taunts and the insults. He'd done what they wanted and for now they were satisfied. He'd lived up to the unrealistic expectations set upon him and now he was exhausted. |
08-10-2020, 09:02 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-10-2020, 09:03 AM by Yurei.)
After Casso left to hunt,Yurei decided she herself should do her own stuff. At first she decided to move her items from her old then back to the one she was now going to share with Casso.She was still in shock and couldn't belive she was actually living with someone else.It gave her a mixture of feelings,reief in one hand but in the other some anxiety and doubt,she feared that Casso could leave her anytime,without saying nothing like Heloise did.But she needed to trust as much as her nature allowed her,she needed to try again.But no one said it was going to be easy,she knew herself could sometimes fell in fake thinking,fake feeling of being alone. And there after she moved everything she had to the new place,she decided to go out and forage for herbs,to store. And there she went to The red forest. With Aki walking by her side. Little she knew Casso had come here aswell,but for now she had a list of what she was going to collects today.Dandelion was the first in the list. And there she started the research with the cat helping aswell.But she didnt have a backpack as other healers had,she didnt know how to get one,so for her taking herbs back to Winterfell was tought. But then,the smell of blood flooded the air. Making her feel a wave of fear hitting her hard,but worried that someone was hurt she run forward and her fear became worst as the scent she caught later was from Casso. Speeding up she spotted him bathed in blood,with several small cuts and a bigger one on his chest. "MR.Casso...are you okay?...What happened?.." But she decided to tend his wounds first. Especially the one on his chest,it was deep. She needed water and sadly she didnt bring any deer bends. Quickly Aki ran back to Winterfell which took her some time.But came back with the implements. Quick she sat down beside him,and with the deer hide and wet she started by cleaning the wounds. She told Aki to hold the bandage for a while,she needed to go for Yarrow. Quickly she moved away trying to gather some. She was going to need a lot. And there she caught a few from a bush. Weren't many but enough for now. Coming back she started to smash it. Herb list- Dandelion Periwinkle Valerian root Yarrow 1/3 "Speech" |
Her threads may contain triggering topics like depression and negativeness. Be aware when threading with her.
Casso may crash in any of her threads desíte the tag!
Yurei now has a Grey female wildcat as a companion. Unless stated she is always with her.
Yurei now wears a side back up almost all the time that has four pockets one up and three down.
08-11-2020, 06:44 AM
He was gripped with the strange mix of panic and relief, of finally accomplishing a goal that he had long thought was unattainable. It was a goal he had never really wanted or desired, but one that had been implanted into his mind and one his inner self wouldn't let go of. His entire being was over loaded with emotions he couldn't decipher, pain he was barely able to register, and thoughts that couldn't quite form into full fledged sentences. His broken laughter faded into silence. He sat there next to the corpse of the bear he had over powered and the half-skinned caribou off to the side just a short distance away. The clearing looked like a war zone, but he couldn't make himself move. It felt like something was gripping him by the back of the neck and forcing him to sit still and stare at what he had done. He heard a voice, but it felt so far away. His gaze shifted to look at the intruder from the corner of his eye and it felt like everything shattered around him. Yurei. His eyes widened with shock and everything came rushing at him all at once. The pain from his wounds, the shame from letting her see him like this, the frustration with himself for letting himself break like this again. It was yet another relapse, yet another time that he had to have someone save him from himself. He was weak and he hated himself for it. He looked away from her as she began to do her work, shame written clearly across his face. He wasn’t guilty for what he did necessarily, but letting himself succumb to his demons and break under their pressure this badly was something that he thought he had moved past. Somehow it just kept getting worse as soon as he thought it had begun to get better. ”Damn it...” he cursed quietly under his breath, his voice tired and hoarse from the exertion he had put himself through. He held still as she began to examine his wounds, but all he wanted to do was storm off so he wouldn’t have to face her and explain what had gone wrong. His chance to explain his problems on his own terms had been taken away from him. ”I hear voices in my head,” he began to explain bluntly. He still couldn’t force himself to look at her so instead he just looked off into the distance as he spoke. ”It runs in my family... The voices just... they just poke and prod at every little thing and they criticize and they blame until I do what they want until they break me.” By now his shoulders had begun to shake slightly again purely from his own anger at himself. ”I knew better! But they still just... screamed!” His tone was seething with anger - not towards her, but at himself and the things he couldn't seem to control. He grit his teeth as she began to clean his wounds, stopping the tirade of furious words that continued to tumble from his lips. His two toned eyes fell to the bear in front of him again and his ears flicked. There had been no reason for him to fight it, let alone kill it. He probably would have been able to chase it off or just warn it to stay away until he was done, but that wouldn't have satisfied them. "I'm sorry..." he added after a moment of silence, letting himself steel a small glance toward her from the corner of his vision. "I never wanted you to see me like... like this." |
08-11-2020, 08:18 PM
Smashing the yarrow against a nearby rock she listened to the male's words regarding what was wrong here,ears flattened in concern hoping he was all right. After smashing it completely,she approached Casso looking up at him as she took some of the smashes on her paw. "Ill apply this to the wounds...this plant will stop the bleeding..." She explained as she began to apply it in the smaller cuts first and doing so softly trying not to cause too much discomfort. ”I hear voices in my head,” He began saying,Yurei looked up at him but not saying anything,wanting him to finish before she spoke too. ”It runs in my family... The voices just... they just poke and prod at every little thing and they criticize and they blame until I do what they want until they break me.” She looked at him in worry,for once it wasnt a worry toward herself,but for he. She had demons too but they didnt spoke to her,well the memories did though. She then took a few more of the smashed yarrow and started to apply it to the biggest gash on his neck, pressing just a bit so the yarrow could act better."I'm sorry..." She stopped her actions for a few instants."I never wanted you to see me like... like this." "It's okay..." She left what she was doing and shyly she wanted to sit beside him looking at the sky. "Not your fault...and i have demons too...but I want to say that you have my support...ill do my best to help if i can...you will see my worst facades...my worst behaviors, sometimes voices had told me to die...to give up...and you offered me help...i wanna help you in return..." She said before she returned to treating his wounds. "Speech" |
Her threads may contain triggering topics like depression and negativeness. Be aware when threading with her.
Casso may crash in any of her threads desíte the tag!
Yurei now has a Grey female wildcat as a companion. Unless stated she is always with her.
Yurei now wears a side back up almost all the time that has four pockets one up and three down.
08-14-2020, 04:39 PM
The sting of Yurei applying the herbs she had prepared to his wounds was comforting in a strange way. The slight discomfort it brought wasn't much in comparison to the wounds themselves, but in a way it did provide a distraction that pulled him away from his own tormenting thoughts. He continued to seethe with his own self loathing and his disappointment in himself. He already felt lost and angry with himself before Yurei appeared at his side, but now that the wolf that he had sworn to protect had a prime example of his flaws he felt like he could only be angry with himself for letting himself get to this point. If he had just been able to keep himself in check then she never would have had to see him like this. Now he would always know that she had seen him cut up and bloodied from what was essentially his own doing. When she began to speak he turned his head just enough to be able to watch her. Confusion crossed his features as he listened to her express how she would support him, how he would see her worst sides, how she wanted to help... Her words felt wrong. He couldn't comprehend how she could see him like this and still want to be near him and help him. He would never down play the about of trauma and hurt she had been through and he knew she indeed did have her own demons she would need to work through, but what he had and what he had done was on a completely different plane. There was no cure for him, there was no good solution. There were things he could do to lesson his symptoms and perhaps make things easier on himself, but he couldn't hope that one day he would see the other side of this. He felt like he was essentially plaguing her with a life time of worrying whether he would remain stable or not. She went back to work treating his wounds and for a while he was simply quiet while he watched her do what she was talented at. Watching her work was soothing and numbing and the sent of the herbs she used was comforting. The anger he felt began to dissipate and in its wake he was so mentally and physically exhausted. "I don't deserve you," he told her softly as she finished up whatever it was she felt was necessary to patch him up. He realized there was a bit of an echo of the words she had told him when they first met, but it was a statement he fully believed. They had crossed paths purely by chance, but it was beginning to feel a bit more like fate. It was going to take time before he felt like he could fully let himself be cared for by her. There was no way around that. He wanted to be the protector and the provider - he never wanted to feel like he needed anyone in return. It didn't seem like there was any way around that though, he was going to have to have someone who would remind him of the good that he could be. Once she was finished with her work he let himself tip his head down till he could lean his cheek against hers and let his eyes close for a long moment. He wasn't sure what to say, but just feeling her there and letting her scent fill his nose was enough. He nuzzled into her neck and let himself get lost in the thick fur around her neck. It didn't seem to matter that he had only known her for a few days. In his mind she was his. It felt too early for him to say such a thing out loud, but he could already feel himself growing increasingly attached and protective of her. He wanted her to be his and no one else's. There was no if in that thought, only a when. Casso lifted his head from her after a few moments and let his eyes find hers again. He still didn't know how to process how her eyes made him feel. All he knew was he was always so enamored by them. "If there is any good to be taken from this its that we'll have a very plush bear pelt to sleep on now," he offered as he attempted to pull a small smile onto his lips. It was difficult with the emotions he was still attempting to stamp down and bury, but he refused to worry her any more for one day. "I'll just need to get it skinned and bring it back to the ship. The caribou too - that's perfectly good meat for the pack." His gaze shifted to the kills he had made and the thought of trying to get them back to the pack lands felt like an incredibly daunting task. Perhaps he could talk his brother into helping him retrieve them. |
08-15-2020, 10:14 AM
In complete silence she ket tenading his wounds,not saying anything at all.She needed to focus to do this correctly,she didnt wnt to have mistakes and even less with such severe wounds. And now someone important for her was between her paws and that made her even more worried to do things right.And like that she removed the yarrow once the bleeding seemed to had stopped,not she took the deer leather bandages the long ones and would wrap them wet around the neck's gash.Aki helped her make a tide so it could stay on place. "How do you feel now?...from 1 to 10 how intense is the pain?...I think this is good for now..just try to dont make a lot of force with your neck...so the wounds don't open again.." She asked calmly for the giving him her recommendations,before making a last check on the smaller wounds and the bandage of the biggest. After she was done she looked up to his eyes as he spoke. "I don't deserve you," "Thats what I should be saying...i don't deserve anything...but you give me reasons to live...more than i have ever had...before you...i didnt have any desires to live...but now i do..." 'Because now...i have someone to take care of...' She thought not speaking out loud the last words. There he bent his head down, cheek with her own. Closing his eyes. She closed her own aswell, feeling something weird in her chest,it was peace.The peace she had never had in her whole life, always at the edge , scared and anxious of everything. As he hid his head onto her thick fur of her neck she allowed her paw around his shoulder wanting to hug him but not to hard minding the wounds on his body.This was the closest she has been to someone, she always has been keeping herself away, feeling any in pain.But this time it was different. "If there is any good to be taken from this its that we'll have a very plush bear pelt to sleep on now, She looked down to the dead bear. "Indeed...i dont know how to "skin" but i want to help you...you need to rest, we have a long way back to the pack..." She offered her help. "I can make you some tea when we are back..." Tea could always cease any bad feelings,she hopped it could help him too. "Speech" |
Her threads may contain triggering topics like depression and negativeness. Be aware when threading with her.
Casso may crash in any of her threads desíte the tag!
Yurei now has a Grey female wildcat as a companion. Unless stated she is always with her.
Yurei now wears a side back up almost all the time that has four pockets one up and three down.
08-16-2020, 04:18 PM
"It's fine," he assured her with a slight smile. "I won't move too much." Did they still hurt? Of course. Did he still feel like he was mentally teetering on an edge of a cliff? Undeniably. However, he refused to let her worry about him any longer so he hid it well behind his now calmed facade and slight curve to his lips. He needed to be strong for her for his own peace of mind. The longer he wallowed in his own self pity and anger the longer he was going to be trapped by it. It wasn't going away any time soon so the best he could do for now was ignore it and put his full undivided attention on this woman who might have possibly saved him from himself. Having something to focus on was the best way for him to get out of his own mind and she provided that for him ten fold. He knew she was right when she stated that he needed to rest. He wanted to get these back into the pack lands since he was sure some other creature would come and eat from them or take them before he had a chance to come back to them. It was a frustrating situation, but all he could do was hope that perhaps they would still be here tomorrow. He sighed and nodded, "Alright... Let's head back. I'll see if Ignis will help me bring these back tomorrow." One night's worth of rest probably wouldn't even scratch the surface of the kind of rest he needed, but it would be a start. It would at least give his wounds enough time to begin mending so perhaps he wouldn't make them begin to bleed again right away as he was working on breaking down the kills he had made. If they eded up getting scavenged before then, well... that was just a chance he had no choice but to take. He pulled himself to his paws, the movement making his shoulder ache. His ears flicked at the feeling, but otherwise he hid whatever pain or discomfort he felt. He had only brought this on himself so it only felt like his own form of punishment for what he had done. "I'll take you up on that tea when we get back," he added as he looked to her with another slight smile, leaning down so he could press his nose to her cheek for a moment. He surprised himself with how much physical affection he wanted to give her since he had never enjoyed that sort of thing before, but her presence and her scent were calming to him so he found himself drawn to her more and more. He started the steady walk back to Winterfell's lands and the ship that he called home, only letting himself limp slightly as he went. |