what am i supposed to do

Seeing the pain in Mortis after the revelation that his mother and brother were dead had nearly destroyed Hika. His heart broke for the boy that he adored, but no matter what he tried there was no relief. He couldn’t say or do anything to help relieve Mort’s suffering. His was helpless and that fact alone pained him but as the days went on it seemed like life was getting worse, not better. Mortis was avoiding him, Hikaru could feel it. He tried so hard for Mort, but it seemed like what he wanted was space.

Hikaru felt the distance between them, especially as Mortis drifted away from the Armada once more. He didn’t ask Hikaru to accompany him, and even worse it felt like he was being ignored. All Hika wanted to do was take away Mort’s pain, to hold on tightly to him and promise that everything was going to get better. That there was hope when you reached the bottom. That the only place they could go was up.

But Mortis hadn’t even barely looked at him. Hikaru didn’t blame his friend, not at all, if he hadn’t been going through a lot beforehand he was truly faced with too much now. The young koi wolf just wished desperately that he could do something for his sweet friend. He wanted to see that innocent smile again, he wanted to hold him tightly in his embrace again. He wanted… Hikaru dashed any thoughts that wandered too close to affection. His mistaken kiss had been where Mort’s distress originated, when he had first started to break away and the boy still kicked himself for that.

Hika kicked at the water below him, ruining his reflection as he furrowed his brows and internalized the guilt he felt. He didn’t know what to do. He never knew what to do and he hated how ill prepared and useless he was. Hikaru cried out as he felt overwhelmed by it all, and wished and prayed to the gods to send him a solution. He couldn’t stand where life had taken him. Nothing felt right, he couldn’t do anything right. Hikaru shook his head in defeat before lowering his features, nearly touching his nose to the water.