Tamsyn had felt Sirius' eyes on her frequently during the opening of the festival and into the feast, though with so many wolves and family around they hadn't had much of a chance to speak. She felt that perhaps that was for the best. She didn't want to start some kind of stir in the middle of such a nice occasion and she didn't want to cause any trouble for The Hallows or the Armada in the process. She had kept her distance for the most part, though it was inevitable that they end up near each other on occasion since Artorias and Briar were nearly glued at the hip. Their families had always been tightly interwoven and she felt like that was only going to be more true as those two got older.

Once the feast was over, however, and wolves began to disperse for the night, she knew that speaking with Sirius was inevitable. She had barely spoken to him after Resin's funeral - not that she had really spoken to anyone at all - but so much had transpired even since then. Even with the lines she had previously drawn she had still sought him out, still made herself friendly. Now she was just too afraid to see how he would react to her moving on that she didn't even want that. It twisted at her gut. She hated that she had to feel this way toward a wolf that she still genuinely saw as a friend, but she also knew how deep his possessive nature ran.

She wandered across the border between the birch forest around the shrine over into the familiar territory of the plains, her mint eyes lifting from the ground to see Sirius waiting for her. Her ears flicked, but she moved toward him all the same, shifting away from the other wolves that were going off to find places to rest for the night.

Tamsyn Carpathius

I can't destroy what isn't there

It was a night of celebration and partying. He tried to at least look as though he was enjoying himself for Venom's benefit. Attending alone only helped to remind him of what he had lost. Her. The first surge of color in his morning sky. The northern star in his endless night. It meant that Zee had not been beside him when he had lost Resin, when the wolf he had claimed as mother had been put to her final rest.

She was not there to watch Briar slowly fall in love, or Kotori grow into a wolf of fierce love for his family. To guide Gossamer when she was lost. So much missed. He felt the thoughts battering down his sanity, and slowly chased them away. Too often they lingered in his forethoughts and clouded his reality. He held tight to the promises he had made, and found strength.

Moving through the late event attendees like a ghost, passing through without lingering. Before he knew it, his paws had found Armada lands once more. He drew strength from the familiar sight and scents of his home. This place that they had built together. He paused, standing there, head raised subtly to the late night sky. Breathing in the aroma of late-winter chill. There was no trace of his beloved scent in these winds.

And then, all of a sudden, she was there. Tamsyn, his friend and General. He blinked once, clearing his thoughts and started to offer her a smile. The scent on her coat stood out to him with his next breath, and frowning, he leaned closer to her. Breathing in more steadily. There was the scent of a stranger on her. The scent of a man lingering all across her skin. All the places he had touched her. Intimate, and slow, and passionate. His eyes lifted slowly back to her face, and naked pain flared in his eyes. Pain, and then anger. “You…” He started, but the sudden, overwhelming force of his emotions cut off the rest of his words.


"Speech"

For just a second she thought that perhaps they could be friendly and civil. She thought maybe he had already caught Kane's scent on her as they passed by one another earlier during the party and maybe he was still offering her a smile, but alas, that was not the case. A smile had begun to pull at her lips as well as she approached him, but it fell away when he suddenly seemed to freeze and then leaned a bit closer, breathing in her scent - and in turn the scent of her lover. Her ears flicked back uncomfortably and she watched the pained expression on his face deepen. She glanced away from him for a moment, swallowing back the nerves that threatened to creep up on her.

Just one word. You. She looked back to his face with a sigh, a frown pulling at her lips as she looked at the pain and anger forming in his sapphire gaze. "Sirius," she warned quietly, her voice firm. "We talked about this. Lines. Boundaries. We can't be together." She didn't feel like she should have to explain herself, but she would have to for Sirius. She was a grown woman, living her life, finding her comforts where she could just as Resin had told her to do before she was completely lost to her. He had made his choice and she had made hers. "I've met someone," she told him gently, eyeing him uncertainly. She knew him so well, but more and more recently she had no idea how he could react. He was too volatile and unstable for her to guess. Some days she spoke to him and he was the understanding protector she had fallen for and some days she could barely recognize the man in front of her.

Tamsyn Carpathius

I can't destroy what isn't there

And he lost her too. He watched, for he could only watch. He could do nothing as ties pulled her away from him. Blue eyes stared as his emotions rolled across his eyes like open screens. The pain and betrayal and anger, it was all there for her to read. Despite her lines and her rules, she had become his touchstone. The thing that kept him from falling as he teetered on the edge.

And so, without her, he fell.

His eyes shuttered closed as a snarl grew on his lips. “You found someone?” He snarled. His voice smouldering and low before roughing out. He barked a low, nasty laugh. “Darling, didn’t you know that was never a choice? You chose me, mine[i] and in doing so, tied yourself to me. There is no going back, there never was. You are [i] mine. Now and forever Zee, mine. I will kill the bastard that touched you.” He vowed, as he stared at his wife, and scented the paws of a stranger across her coat. He stalked closer to her, madness lingering in the dangerous blues of his eyes.

"Speech"

Tamsyn watched his face no matter how much it hurt her to do so as it spoke, her discomfort and irritation at his initial response fading to make way for concern and distress as she listened to his angered words and saw the madness twinged in his sapphire gaze. In that moment the Sirius she knew had been blinked out of existence. She was confused by his response at first. Yes, he had been possessive of her and she had been his in their own strange way, but this was too far even for him... Until she heard her name. Now and forever, Zee, mine.

Zee. Always Zee. She blinked with shock, staring up at him as he started to slowly advance toward her and she packed away in equal measure, unwilling to let him get close to her when he was in this state. What was happening in his mind that he could look at her in the eye and still think he was looking at Zee. "Sirius, snap out of it," she told him, her brow creasing. "I'm not Zee. I'm Tamsyn. Your friend, not your mate." She watched him with worry, both for her own safety and just out of a genuine concern as his friend, a two sided fear churning in her gut.

She knew there had to be wolves somewhere within earshot that could come to her aid if she needed it, but she didn't want to need it. She didn't want to let others see him like this. That soft piece of her heart that still cared for him wanted to protect him and keep him form hurting, but she couldn't. She couldn't bring Zee back and she couldn't be Zee for him. "Come on, Sirius, look at me. I'm Tamsyn. Resin's mate. Your friend. You taught me how to fight. We found your bear together. Remember?"

Tamsyn Carpathius

I can't destroy what isn't there

Her words fell on deaf ears. Anger coursed through his body, roaring past his ears, and thrumming like drums in his skull. She had left him, that's where she had gone, wasn’t it? For she had been gone. He remembered… something. Someone telling him that she was… no longer here. Why had she left him? His Zee. His beloved. Why would she leave him, when he loved her so.

She backed away from him, as though she couldn’t bear the touch. As though she wanted that of her lover instead of her mate. “Zee.” He growled softly in warning. DIdn’t she understand? He would never let her go. He loved her, he loved her so much it hurt to breathe. For some reason he had thought she was lost, but clearly she was right here before him. Here, and he would give anything not to lose her again. “Zee.” He said again, his voice softer this time, breaking over her name. Breaking like his anger broke, like a storm crashing upon stones and breaking apart, gone. Gone to the earth and no more.

“Please.” He whispered softly, taking another, smaller step towards her. Slow, soft, as though afraid of startling her. “Please, don’t leave me again, I can’t bear it.” Another step, equally as slow. “I need you.” He had always needed her. His touch stone. His heart. All the parts of him that mattered. If the choice was between her and oxygen, he would choose her. Between her and life and all the bits and pieces between. Her or the Armada, her or his soul. Her. Her, her, her.

"Speech"

Tamsyn paused, her expression twisting with her own sorrow and pain as she watched her friend tumble into delusion, his anger giving way to desperation as he repeated Zee's name. The break in his voice broke her heart that had always been too soft for him. She didn't move away from him as he took those slower, more careful steps toward her, but she was still very much on edge, still very much ready to duck away if she had to. She didn't want to be fearful of him, she didn't want to be worried about how he was going to react or respond. She longed for the easy days when she spend time with him without worry, but those days are gone. This is what she was left with.

A dark fear ate at her as she looked up at him with tears welling in her eyes. He had forgotten her just as Resin had forgotten her. Everyone close to her was slipping away and a sharp pain stabbed through her heart at the thought. "Sirius..." She spoke in a pained whisper, her mint gaze pleading with him. Look at me. Remember me. "I'm. Not. Zee. I'm Tamsyn. Please, Sirius... Look at me." She didn't even look remotely close to his former mate and that only told her how far gone he really was. She just need him to come back, just long enough for him to realize what was going on, long enough for her to get him to someone that could help.

Tamsyn Carpathius

I can't destroy what isn't there

Why? Why was she was denying herself. Trying to put space between them with her words, as though he would ever think of her as anything other than what she was. His trying to escape him, as through he was something to flee from. That might be the case for others, but not for her, his Zee. he wanted only to give her the world.

She didn’t step away from him this time, and his next step brought her into his arms. He leaned his head into her neck, drinking in the scent of her. He thought he would never breathe in the mixture that made her Zee again. Why had he thought that? She was right here, she had always been right here, hadn’t she?

No. She had been in the arms of another. While his life had fallen apart around him, she had sought comfort in others. “Stop trying to leave me.’ he whispered, soft and fierce into her air. “I want you, and only you. Forever.”

"Speech"

Tamsyn tensed as he drew even closer, her eyes squeezing closed as he leaned his head into her neck. Her ears folded back against her head and her teeth grit together as she scrambled to think of what the hell she could do. He needed help - help that she couldn't give him. She wondered how long he had been getting worse. Had he ever really begun to get better after Zee? Or had the strength he had shown for her before Resin's death just been a facade? She slowly began to realize that she had been the trigger, that Kane's scent on her had some how flipped some kind of switch in him and had pulled out this persistent delusion that somehow made him see her as Zee.

She wanted to shove him away, to continue insisting that he see her for who she was, but it was no use. "I'm sorry, Sirius," she said softly, her stomach churning. She couldn't pretend to be Zee, but she could perhaps calm him enough to see reason. "I understand. I'm not going anywhere. But... Can you please look at me?" She needed him to look at her. See her mint eyes, see her black fur, her white markings, the huge scar Resin had left across her face. She needed him to see who she was.

Tamsyn Carpathius

I can't destroy what isn't there

Tamsyn stared at him with pain in her sea-green eyes. He blinked at her as he noticed their close proximity. Hadn’t he just been talking to Zee? He looked about himself, but caught no sight of his absent wife. He frowned more heavily. She wasn’t running off to be with.... Someone. She had been meeting someone, that’s what they had been talking about, right? It felt like a fog in his mind. Clogging, sickening. He needed a breath of fresh air.

He winced past the headache he could feel forming behind his eyes. Tamsyn was saying something to him, but he missed it while he tried to orientate himself. He cleared his throat, taking a step back. “Tamsyn, it’s good to see you, ah… I was looking for Zee, have you seen her?”

"Speech"

Tamsyn's eyes found his, searching the clouded sapphire gems for a moment before he seemed to realize something and step back from her. She breathed a soft sigh of relief, feeling a heavy weight settle on her shoulders. Emotion choked her at his question, her heart aching at his question. Perhaps he was no longer seeing her as Zee, but he was still in a delusion. She struggled to find words for a moment, not knowing what to say. Did she tell him the truth that he had already heard? Would he even hear or comprehend it if she did? Did she play along just to get him to someone else? Someone that could help or at think more clearly about this than she could? Her own pain of seeing her mate slip slowly away from her clouded and pained her too much to be able to see past that to help him. She couldn't save him, she never could.

"U-um... Um, yes. Of course," she replied after a moment, forcing a smile onto her lips though she was sure it was weak at best. "I think... I think she said she was going to see Asla. Yes, there was something they needed to talk about before the tournament before her." It was an easy enough lie. A believable lie. "Come on, we should go see them. I haven't gotten to see Asla yet." An easy lie. A believable lie. She couldn't save him. Zee, always Zee. She started trying to lead him off toward Aslatiel's den, hoping and praying that Asla would be there. She didn't know who else to turn to any more and she needed someone who already knew where his mental space was at. She didn't have it in her to explain it all again.

Tamsyn Carpathius

I can't destroy what isn't there

Her wobbly smile and her uncertain words began to snap him into focus. He shook his head again, trying to clear the weight upon his thoughts. Something had happened here, something that had unsettled Tamsyn. He dug his heels in, staying still as he tried to work his way through it.

He had come to this tournament alone. He had come alone because… because Zee was gone. Not away, but truly gone. He had been talking to Tamsyn, and then… and then Zee had been there, and then she hadn’t been. He turned his gaze back to Tamsyn, assessing, considering. He didn’t like the conclusion he was drawing. He didn’t like the way his thoughts felt muted and heavy. His heart weary, and beaten.

Dear gods, he had seen Zee in Tamsyn, hadn’t he? Because… because she had smelled like a guy, and he had realised he was losing her, too. He stared in growing horror at Tamsyn as a sweet, familiar voice called out to him. Sirius, come to bed, it’s late.”

He closed his eyes slowly, savouring the sound. Savouring it, even as his mind finally began to draw the pieces. Zee was dead, and he had finally and truly lost it. He had lost it, and Tamsyn had seen. No one could know. They would insist on finding a cure, in shoving medicine down his throat. They would take her away from him again, because it wasn’t right that he see her still when she was dead. If Tamsyn walked away from him, they would take Zee away. “Tamsyn.” he said softly, warningly. “Tamsyn, come back here.”


"Speech"

Tamsyn stopped dead in her tracks when she heard Sirius speak, a chill running through her. She had been in the middle of trying to lead him away, trying to get him to Asla, but he wouldn’t budge. She was afraid he might slip again and afraid that she might only have a small window of time to get him there. But when she slowly turned her gaze back over her shoulder toward him he was fully there. She could see the recognition and understanding in his gaze and she let out a shaky sigh.

She turned back toward him carefully, but kept a bit of distance between them. Space was good, it allowed her to breathe. She studied his face with worry and fear written on her own. She didn’t want to watch Sirius suffer the way Resin had. She didn’t know if this was the same as what had happened to her, but it was too close. The lack of recognition in his eyes when he looked at her, that had been enough.

“I can’t do this again,” she breathed, her voice strained past the emotion strangling her. She wanted to leave, she wanted to go home, to go back to Kane. Go back to comfort and safety instead of heartache and uncertainty. She wanted to help him, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t strong enough. They were both too broken to help one another.

Tamsyn Carpathius

She turned back to him, shaky and uncertain. He watched her a moment. His old friend, a wolf he could potentially have loved, in another place and another time. If their lives weren't domino's, stacked against them and tumbling away from them. He looked at her, saw the stiff fear and the weight on her shoulders. Understood that he was the reason it was there. He turned to Zee, and he smiled. No, he did not need his touchstone Tamsyn. He would let her go, and the potential between them would crumble as though it had never been.

"Oh I can see that alright." He said with a cold sneer. "Was Resins body still warm when you fucked him? Did you think 'thank God a wolf without trouble I can run off with and forget my promises to Resin and Sirius?' Those you love mean nothing to you, so get out of here. Get out, and go back to him. Go." He held the sneer in place, chasing her away with his words. Chasing her away from him, because he was not going to let Zee go. Because he too was breaking his promises, and he was embracing madness. It was better if she did not see this, better if she fell into the arms of her other lover. Better for everyone if he never met this wolf. He loved Tamsyn too, and that love was his final straw.

Tamsyn watched as he looked away from her with a smile, not turning away from him, but glancing toward the direction he was looking and finding nothing there. He had lot it. He wasn't gone in the way that Resin had been, but he wasn't himself either. Resin hadn't known where she was or who they were - Sirius knew exactly who she was and what had happened and yet still the words that fell from his lips lanced through her like a knife. Hurt twisted her face and her teeth grit together painfully tight as he spoke, her gaze falling away from in to look at the ground between her feet. Guilt bubbled up from her gut, a guilt she had forced herself not to feel for her own sake so that she could start to move on and heal.

It seemed that Sirius didn't want that for her. Sirius wanted her to feel that pain. But she had felt enough and she couldn't stand to feel any more. "Maybe a wolf without problems isn't such a bad thing," she hissed back at him through clenched teeth, tears burning in her eyes as she turned away from him and stormed off of Armada lands. She didn't know where she would go or how far she would get in the middle of the night, but she knew she couldn't be here. She couldn't continue to look at the face of the man that had once been her friend and confidant. He was lost her to just as Resin had been. Everyone slipped away from her. She was trembling as she reached the edge of the plains and made it as far as the hot springs before she finally collapsed into tears.

Tamsyn Carpathius