You could never know the weight of my tears

Bellamy · 08-02-2022, 03:02 AM

It wasn’t long after Wren had gotten them a place to settle that Bellamy felt had started feeling off. The episodes, as Gavroche called them, were worsening. It wasn’t out of Gavroche’s lack of tying either; as her mate and as a healer the man was trying everything he could think of to keep her feelings at bay. Try as he might, his whispers of her light, his warmth, it wasn’t enough. The realization that, even beside her mate, beside the companions she had known for years, she felt alone. Like she was living some sort of lie, a life that wasn’t her own. Gavroche had tried fighting her mind, to reassure her that she wasn’t some mindless, killing beast, but this time the sound of his voice hadn’t been enough as the tendrils of darkness and doubt began to wrap around her.

Bellamy ran.

She ran from the den, from Menagerie… even from Gav…

The woman didn’t think about the direction she was going, didn’t think about if anyone had seen her, nor about if Gavroche and her companions would worry. She ran, and kept running, as her heart suddenly felt as though it were made of solid ice in her chest. It sank, lower and lower, almost as if was falling out of her, and yet it still remained as if to torture her with its very existence. She kept running, even once she had passed the borders of Menagerie. She kept running, running from the feelings of hurt and pain that threatened to swallow her whole.

But, the problem with running from your problems…

…is that they always caught up with you…

Bellamy hadn’t noticed the burning of her lungs, nor her labored breath as she pushed herself harder, faster than she’d ever run before. She had to get away from this… this… this what? Her emotions? Her thoughts? She could hide in front of everyone else, put on a mask, and show that she was this big, strong, confident fighter who did all their best talking on the battlefield, but the cold, hard truth of it all?

She wasn’t big and bad. Hell, she knew she only fought because she was afraid! Afraid to face herself. She was afraid of what she might see in the mirror, afraid to be taken advantage of, hurt, broken again, and again, until there was nothing left of her spirit. She was a child, really, a scared, pathetic child who hid behind profanities, big talk, and moderate skill. She was no one special. She was a fool to think that she would ever be okay. Someone so broken, someone so lost… how the fuck could they be made to feel whole again? They couldn’t, a tiny voice within her whispered.

Its voice could not be heard by others, barely heard by Bellamy herself, but she felt the weight of it. Crushing down on her as she ran, crashing down on her as her body urged her to stop, but her mind would never release its hold. Bellamy fell, no, she’d been falling since she was a pup, barely a season old. She had been falling, falling, and falling into an endless abyss that seemed to somehow get greater the longer she remained there. Above ground, on icy slopes, as her paws slipped and slid as she sought a hold in her mad dash, she felt like she suffocating. Drowning, deeper and deeper into the darkness, feeling its cold, harsh embrace. She wanted to scream, but no sound escaped her lips.

Then, Bellamy really was falling. Her claws failed to grip the ice of the glacier at her paws, and she slipped. She had no inkling of how far she’d climbed, how far she’d made it in her mad dash away from… everything. It was a lie! It was all a fucking lie!

Her shoulder met the jagged part of a glacier, the sharp bits of ice slicing through flesh as she went sliding and rolling, out of control, back the way she came. Try as she might, scrambling for a hold, to catch herself, it was to avail. More of the long frozen ice caused small to moderate-sized cuts along her form. Her head was spinning, it was so hard to breathe, so hard to focus…

Then the world came to a stop.

Bellamy hit the ground hard as she fell into one of the deep caverns at the base of one of the glaciers in the frozen field. Her head cracked ice, bringing more pain, stars swimming before her vision…

She had stopped.

Bellamy squeezed her eyes closed, ears pinned back so hard against her skull one might think she was trying to have them burrow into her brain. She wanted this to stop. This crushing feeling, the sinking in her chest, the feeling like she wasn’t enough, that she was a monster, the rage… she wanted it to stop.

She just wanted it all to stop.

Bellamy became dimly aware of the taste of salt upon her lips.

Tears?

Had she been crying this whole time, or did she only just begin to let them fall as she crash-landed into the icy earth? She tried to remember, her brain still running a marathon even as her body came to a halt. It was like she was thinking too fast and yet not at all all at once. She drew in a raspy breath, her body greedily taking in the air it was deprived easy access of while she fled. She curled inward, her breaths shaking, as she desperately tried to make sense of what was going on. There was just so much negative energy. It pinned her now.

Bellamy didn’t try to fight it anymore.

She was tired of fighting…

The darkness began to envelop her, taking her limbs, her ability to move...

…tired of trying…

Up it crept, up towards her neck... her throat...

…tired of everything...

...before it swallowed her whole...

"Speech" 'Thought.'

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