contemplation

A resolution? Well, leaving behind Zephyr's feather reading Vanta had a lot to think about. She bid the bird to give her a bit of space for her resolution before they were to head back home and he headed off a good distance away to watch and wait, giving her the privacy she needed. It all boiled down to the final point in his reading - who was she? Who was the true Vanta? Was she even a Fatalis, with her broken eyes and weak will? Did a true Fatalis balk at the idea of bashing the head in of baby seals, or drawing the blood of another in a playful spar? Vanta did not think of herself as weak - and had she been born into any other family, perhaps she could be considered normal - but as far as Fatalis' go, she felt she had a lot to grow into. But what if she never did?

The pup approached the fire and pulled out a shining, blue crystal scavenged from the caverns in the Col. It was the same shade as the crystals spread across her own eyes and facetted to grab the light in the same way. Did the crystal feel pain when it looked into the fire the same way she did? Vanta hoped it didn't, else she'd never be able to gather the strength to toss it into the flames.

She considered what she wanted to change about herself. The first thing to come to mind was a simple and obvious change - her eyes. It was on the outside, her most fatal flaw. The thing keeping her from strength and equality, the thing keeping her family from seeing her as capable. Though her eyes alone were not the only flaw she held, and the truth of it sank deep down into her chest. She loved her family, but she did not feel like one of them. She did not enjoy battle and combat, she did not get a thrill from being a powerful warrior and when Kotori spoke of his pack and their royal blood, Vanta's skin crawled. What made them better than any others? Their special teeth or their special claws? Two mutations Vanta had not inherited, perhaps that was where her understanding had failed to take root.

Sometimes it seemed like she wasn't a Fatalis at all.

Vanta pricked her paw with the crystal's edge, letting a droplet of blood run down the crystal's facets, staining the blue with a red that looked almost purple in the fire-light. Perhaps as she grew, the divide between herself and her family would shrink. Maybe she would come to enjoy the things they did and not shrink at undeserved violence as she so often recently had. Maybe she would grow up to be the best of them all... but even as she reflected on it, it felt like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. She was forcing herself, like Zephyr had warned her not to. Why was everything just so darn confusing?

With an angry sigh Vanta threw the crystal into the flames, squeezing her eyes tight as the fire kicked up and consumed her item greedily. She could feel the heat on her face but it was not searing like fire should be, more warm and inviting like a mother's hug. For a brief moment she even felt she could smell her, but that couldn't be true. Her mother was gone, forever. Vanta was left to navigate her confusion and find her place in this world all on her own.

She remained quiet as the fire crackled and popped, devouring her offering and leaving behind nothing but ash and smoke reaching high in the sky. Other wolves came and gave offerings of their own too and still Vanta remained, feeling the eyes of her avian nephew upon her but still standing, unmoving before the flames. If only she could sneak a peek of it without the pain, but without her sight she had to work harder to see it in her mind. To visualize the crystal thrown in and dissolving, to imagine the flames carrying her wishes into the sky and perhaps into Somnium itself.

It felt like an hour before she was prepared to leave, turning from the dwindling fire with tears in her squinted eyes. From her neck the viper gave a comforting and empathetic squeeze and Vanta had realized how uncomfortable the cold blooded animal must have been to remain there. But Hissbiscus had felt her need, and had suffered a loss just like Vanta had. She did not say a word as she met back up with the raptor, merely folding her haunches beside him and hanging her head between her shoulders. Exhaustion was weighing on her, both physical and emotional. All she wanted now was to go home - to the Col, not to the castle - but for now, she'd settle with returning to her family.

Word Count: 828