here goes nothing

he holds them, and it’s like all the air deflates from them in one big rush. sniffling, they go limp and bury their face in Strai’s fur, trying to calm down. they’d been so panicked, so terrified that he’d leave, just like She had -

he’s not Her, he’s not Her, he’s not Her.

it’s a chant, a mantra they cling to with blood-slick fingers as their shaking slowly, incrementally subsides. for a moment they just try to breathe, letting their inhales and exhales sync to his. in, out. in, out. when they’re finally capable of speech, they mumble the words into Strai’s shoulder, voice muffled and still wet with tears. “m-my mum,” - it’s been so long since they’ve let themselves think of her as such in any capacity, but it’s true, she had been their mum - “she…she left me. just…sitting in the dirt, waiting for her to come back.” they sniffle, and there’s a touch of self-loathing in their voice, an anger at their own naivety. “like an idiot.” they lift their chin to meet Strai’s eyes, and they’re dismayed to find their chin trembling. they’d thought themselves stronger than this, desensitised to all memories of Her. they’d thought she didn’t hold any power over them anymore. “i didn’t see it coming. maybe if i’d…” oh god, they wouldn’t let the tears come again, they wouldn’t. “maybe if I’d been less a-annoying or q-quieter…she wouldn’t have…” they trail off, unable to voice the thought.