Is this really who we are?

Yeah shit was going down. Once Flurry hadn't questioned her father, his decisions or his parenting and she couldn't help but wish deep down that nothing had changed. The truth was she still didn't think him a bad father, she was hurt and trying to do her damn best, trying to think beyond her once narrow scope. She was trying to prove she could be good enough to lead, that she had the interests of the pack in mind over what she'd prefer. Because she'd prefer nothing ever fucking change and she'd remained ignorant. She hadn't wanted this.

Flurry hated the way her father just smirked at her. That was the moment she knew. He didn't care. About what she'd said for sure but maybe more than that. For a moment all she could feel was a desperate need for her to have not done what she did. All she wanted was her dad to not look at her like that, all she wanted was for her to be held by him and know everything would be fine, for a brief moment she'd have undone everything. But then she thought of her younger siblings and the resolve slid firmly back into place. All her father would see was the setting of her jaw as he started to speak.

She wanted to jump on his words immediately, but he'd given her the room to speak and she'd not let him claim the moral high ground on that one so she simply stood there, locked jaw serving all the wall that protected her from the onslaught of emotions that threatened to spill over. A flimsy dam she wasn't fooled into believing wouldn't break. But even as he rose to look over her and Flurry felt afraid of her father for the first time she'd not let that show. She stood strong, defiant. Until he said the words that confirmed her worst suspicions. The dam cracked and hurt flashed across her face. She'd suspected but some part of her mind had insisted she was being irrational, logically her father would not have agreed to let her be scion if he didn't at least trust her somewhat right? So it stung even worse to have her fear confirmed, for a moment she just started up at him, eyes wide and searching. Searching for the moment of regret in his eyes, searching for a sign her father, her daddy didn't actually mean it. She couldn't see it, all she saw was his anger, his disappointment. Maybe she was blind to anything else but she couldn't read his mind. Sure she made assumptions, a lot of em and most of them unfair to him, but they had to be based on something, even if that something was all in her head. She felt the anger come over her again, but it was just a defense mechanism. Wasn't as resolute as it had been mere moments before. She was doing her best to hold it together for a little longer. Just a little longer.

"We're Raiders dad." She started simply, not daring to break eye contact. She would sell her anger to him for as long as it held, wouldn't show weakness to him for as long as she could. "We raid, it's what we do. Everyone out there fucking knows that. What they don't know is what is happening inside the pack. Assign malice all you want but we fucking started this shit, you cannot seriously believe others won't retaliate. You're a god damn hypocrite if you don't think we've done worse and with more actual intent to harm than a simple raid on our borders. Hell! Ignis is the only one who got permanently harmed and he started it by trying to skin that woman alive!" Yes she was bringing that back up, no she wasn't sorry about it. "What, we're allowed to dish it out but the moment it comes back at us it's a fucking war crime?"

"And I was you scion so clearly you know and approve of every fucking thing I do don't you? No allowance for mistakes? You're the only one who gets to be fallible, to not know things, to disapprove of your children? I don't know what Azure is, all I know is he wasn't in the raid against us and I'm not stupid enough to think someone as volatile as him would be okay sitting that sort of thing out. I don't have information on who or where he is at the moment. What I do know is I've not seen hide nor hair of him even before the raid and certainly not after. But since you clearly see him around every fucking tree maybe point him out to me next time." Oh god she was breaking, her voice starting to sound shrill even to her own ears.

"But yeah dad, clearly you raised a fool who doesn't know how to handle herself in public. Who'd inevitably let you down." Her voice dropped then, becoming softer, the hurt no longer contained and flowing freely into her words and face now, it felt worse to her than just the moment before. Her gaze dropped, ears pulling back and she stepped back from her father. She was letting him win, she didn't have it in her to fight him any more. All of it had left her, the anger, the frustration, the stubbornness. Now all she felt was the sadness, the pain, the self-hatred and it felt hollow. "We know y'know. Kids are a lot more observant than adults tend to give them credit for. We tend to figure out when there's a favourite pretty quick. And then we spend so much time trying to deal with that. Kids aren't good at that shit. Maybe you get Scald or Rexx, act like they don't notice or if they do they don't care. I tried that for a while." It felt like everything was coming into focus. She'd thought Scald was the favourite. No, she'd been wrong. Of course she had. He wouldn't have tried to sell him for Deluge's freedom if he was. Obviously. She was an idiot. "Served him real good didn't it? One father fighting against what he could only know as his son being kidnapped and the other willing to use his son as a bargaining chip. To get to bring his favorite child home. Thanks for keeping that from me by the way, definitely didn't tell me exactly how much you actually valued my role as your heir." Okay maybe there was a tiny bit of fight left in her but it was weak and self-pitying. Maybe she was wrong, maybe she was misplacing all the shit she'd been struggling to get through but in this moment it felt like the only truth.

"You're right though." She managed a bitter, pained laugh. "I've never been worthy of being Scion. I've known that for a while now. But hey, can you blame me? If the first tactic didn't work why wouldn't I try the second one? Why wouldn't I try to prove to you I was worth it? With Deluge leaving there was an opening. But I'm a fucking idiot. Of course I am. You were settling for fourth best. At least until the brats were old enough to demote me all the way to the bottom." Flurry fell onto her haunches, finding she no longer had the strength to remain standing. She did find it in her to look back up at him. Pleading for him to understand, to be her dad again.

"I did it for them you know? I still remember what it was like to be a kid and to have to know someone out there hated you, just for existing. I wanted to spare them that. I wanted us to be what I thought we were once upon a time. Fun. Shit disturbing but no one gets seriously hurt, because it's more fun to have a friendly rivalry than one where you're genuinely worried for the safety of your family. I wanted that for them. For everyone. I was willing to carry the weight of the serious shit for all of them." Her eyes were watering. In the end that was all she'd wanted. She just wanted to prove she could do right by the pack, prove to her father she'd do right by them all.

"Do whatever you want with me. Strip me of my rank. Exile me. Make me a prisoner, give Scion to Deluge and force her to stay. Whatever. I'm here for those kids now, nothing more. I'll protect them, I'll fight tooth and nail to make sure they get better than we ever got. I won't turn them against you, they don't deserve to feel like this, they deserve to get to keep their father. But I'll fight for them all the same. I don't care about anything else anymore." She looked away again, submitting to him for a second time. It was a truth. She was hurting, she wanted to feel valued, loved. She wasn't exactly feeling that right now. She wanted to go back to a time when she'd been young and naive and had felt safe in her father's arms. Wanted a chance to do it all over again and not make the wrong decisions this time. But she also knew, knew that if those kids were to happen again? She'd have made the same mistakes, she'd choose to be the martyr on their crosses everytime. She'd give up her happiness to ensure theirs.

Although right now all she wanted to do was go somewhere, lay down and cry. She wanted to be comforted too, but well... She was alone wasn't she?

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