TW: SUICIDE IDEATIONS

Life was really fucked up, wasn't it? Coming into his third year of life and already so much had gone on. Rising to only fall and crumble to the ground. Teetering on the edge, careless, reckless, ready to end it all. Ready to join his mother. It was often that he felt that way. Would anyone miss him? Would anyone care? If he just ... didn't come back one day... Would they even blink? Or would they move on as if he never existed? Did he even exist now? Existence was a finicky thing to think about. Even though he had come out alright after all of the ... well he supposed he could call it trauma, but it was more like life-ending bull shit, he wasn't actually okay, was he? What did okay even mean? That he was breathing? Blinking? That his body worked? Did it fully work? After the... statue incident... his legs were kind of limping anyway. He would never know what walking really felt like again. Had he been the one to fuck up? Was his mother's death his fault? Was all of this his fault? In a way, he blamed his own sister's death on himself too. If only he had been there. Had taken the stress away from her... Maybe she would still be alive. If only he had done better. Been a better son. Tried harder. He can't stop thinking about it. It fills his nightmares dreams. Fills his thoughts. Consumes him until he feels as if he is drowning. His days are spent with Mac and Cricket. Helping Medusa. Yeah, Medusa. Of all wolves. It was the best chance at survival. Because he had been a fucking idiot. That didn't matter now. His heart still ached. Day in and day out. Ever since Enki had broken the news the day before her companion had arrived. Apparently, Gallho had found Enki before him. Which was fair. Finding his whereabouts has been difficult since the incident. He had gone into hiding for good reason. Though it didn't matter. Tears were shed in private. He had no one but himself to share his grief with. It is that grief that he falls asleep with tonight. Restless, exhausted, and unable to sleep. He requested Cricket give him some sort of concoction. To keep him from teetering over the edge. To make sure he woke up to see the next day. Yeah, it was... difficult for him. He missed her. Her face, her voice, her tender embrace. Oh, nothing would replace a mother's love. Tears wet his eyes as he twitches and moves in his sleep. Fighting and resisting the nightmares that haunt him. He wants to drift off. He wants to see her one last time... Ghoul Klein

Recluse existed in a sense. She wasn't non-existent but she wasn't really conscious most of the time. Sometimes the minds of someone she'd cared about in life would brush close to whatever this place was and she'd become aware, aware of herself and of the presence that had woken her up but they were was always here in dreams and they were never there for her so they'd pass and she'd fall back into stasis. This time though, this time he called for her. At first it was like any other time, she awoke, aware of herself, aware of her son and painfully aware she had no body, no voice, no scent, no way for him to know she was even there. And then... She did. His desire to see her, his pure want to see her made her manifest, gave her a body to move and be seen in, a voice to speak and be heard in and a scent for him to find her by. She'd have been scared he was dead if she hadn't spent some time when she was allowed to be aware trying to find Kali. Unlike the living she could not inherently sense the dead. ”Ghoul?” She called out gently, blinking against the light. She hadn't seen since she'd passed from the world of the living and she was surprised to find it was something that could still cause discomfort even here, at least until her vision settled. She felt him tugging at her, a pulling in her chest that felt familiar. It felt like when she'd pulled her father through. But she wasn't being pulled into his world, somehow he'd ended up in hers. She could see him, his form in the grass, pink tones almost glowing under the clear night sky above them. She padded towards him, a smile spreading across her face, the love she felt for her children, all her children, filling her up and she felt she might cry from the sensation she'd been denied since death. ”Speech”  ’Thought’

"Ghoul?" A voice so soft, so maternal, there was no denying it. "Mama?" It had been a long time since he had said it. Voiced the word that plagued his nightmares. Why had he not been there for her? His lips tremble as he keeps his eyes shut. Maybe, just maybe, if he sleeps a little longer, she will keep talking to him. "I miss you," he whispers, his voice hoarse and barely heard over the ragged breath he draws in. Forcing himself to lay still, he sucks in a deep breath. Filling his lungs with her scent. That was new. Was he going off the deep end? How was that possible? His face furrows tightly as his ears shift backward. His paws twitch as something pulls at him. An invisible string tied to his heart tugs at him and begs him to open his eyes and look. Finally, he does. His chin tilts upward from the grass he lays in to peer around him. Though it is foggy and his surroundings are a blur, there is no denying the face that looks down on him. "Mother," Ghoul's voice is breathless as he continues to stare at her in disbelief. "Did I die?" He questions as he lifts a paw to press it against his fur. No, he still felt real, felt alive. But how was he seeing her right now as if she were still alive? Fear fills him for a moment. Fear that if he moves she will disappear. Fear that this will be his one and only time to ever see her again. The last time had been at the challenge and it was no sort of nice goodbye either. "Mother, I-" his words stop as his body wills him to stand up. He is taller than her, bulkier than her, but he remembers how to be gentle. It is almost hard to remember that she is smaller than him when he rushes forward. There is no hesitation as he embraces Recluse. Tears well up and stream down his pale cheeks as he wraps his head around her shoulders. A sob heaves in his chest as he buries his face against her neck. "I miss you," he murmurs into her fur. Unlike any other time Ghoul has ever been, he doesn't hold back his emotions. He allows the tears to stream down and continues to do so. It is the first and only time he has ever cried. Minutes feel as if they pass by before he pulls away. "Mother," Ghoul pauses again as he tries to get a good look at her. No matter how he blinks, she still somewhat seems fuzzy as if she's not totally there. "What happened? Galho came and then Enki and I wasn't sure if I could believe them," his voice was hoarse as he choked back the feelings he had so wished would go away. "I'm so sorry I fucked up," his words are a mumble of a mess as he pushes forward to embrace her again. Ghoul Klein

The way Ghoul called her mama broke Recluse's heart. She'd left them all alone, her beloved children, and she wasn't sure she'd ever truly forgive herself for that. Ruby gaze met cherry and the woman couldn't help the smile that genuinely split her face, tears prickling at the back of her eyes. Figured that'd be a sensation she'd get even while here. She shook her head in answer to his question. ”No love, you are not dead.” There was a tinge of sadness to her voice. He was not the dead one here. And then her boy was rushing forward and wrapping himself around her. Recluse had to blink away her shock, the strong, ambitious son she'd known in life had never showed vulnerability like this. But her lapse was all but a second, then her forelimbs rose to wraps around him, hold him. He didn't feel quite right in her arms, like his outline kept shifting. The message was clear, they could touch but her form wasn't as solid as it had been in life, a reminder it was transient. ”I know love, I miss you too.” She wasn't capable of higher emotions like that all the time, but when any of her loved ones brushed close... She was filled with a longing for them, a desire to get to see them, hold them, speak to them again. Recluse felt Ghoul pulling back slightly and she leaned back to let him look at her and she him in return. He looked fine? Maybe a little ruffled and she wasn't sure if that scar on his cheek had been there when she'd last seen him... Her memories of much of her life were hazy, as if seen from a distance. A distance that let her see all her mistakes more objectively. The question she'd been expecting was choked out, followed by mumbled words that felt like they stabbed right into her very core. ”No Ghoul.” She said softly as he pushed back into her and Recluse tried to hold him tighter, as if doing so would make him understand how much she meant her words. ”I am so proud of you. I will always be proud of you.” It wasn't any of their faults she'd let her own ego blind her to the threat within her own home, it wasn't any of their faults that she'd been the one to let her into their midsts and expose them all to danger. Her children had been innocent in all this, simply collateral caught up in her mess. They hadn't deserved any of this. ”It wasn't anyone's fault but mine.” She pulled back slightly, a paw lifting to cup his scarred cheek and try to get him to look her in the eye. ”I love you.” She needed him to know that. She hadn't gotten a chance to tell any of her kids that before her death, she'd be damned if she was going to let this chance slip past. Still too late, but better than never at all. Ghoul had never been perfect but he'd been hers, and that was enough for him to be precious to her. Recluse didn't want to ruin the moment by putting what had happened to her into words. But she also didn't know how much time they had and if Ghoul wanted that information she would not keep it from him. Slowly, gently, she pulled herself away from Ghoul; instinctively knowing that if he refused to let her go she'd phase through him, her form could not be contained by anything but this place itself. Recluse stood before her son, looked him over and a bittersweet smile pulled at her lips. Seeing him again was painful at the same time it filled her with love. ”Your brother, Imp, had gone missing... I tried to track him. His trail led me to a woman, one I'd never met before. She'd taken him Ghoul, I had lost so many of you to... and I couldn't lose another child! ” Recluse's voice lifted in distress, as she felt the feeling of fear she'd had then wash over her again. She couldn't bring herself to say the name of the woman that had taken everything from her. The anger she'd once felt, the pure rage was only a low rumbling in her mind now. What point was there in spite in death? One of her mistakes had been letting her anger drive her... Spite, Revenge... All it caused was a cycle of pain, of violence. One more of her mistakes that had served only to hurt her children... Her husband... As she continued she screwed her eyes shut, fur standing on end and muzzle wrinkling as if she was physically reliving the moment. ”She'd been ready, she'd been expecting me. I never saw it coming.” Slowly she seemed to settle, eyes opening again. ”One bite was all it took.” For a moment she looked as she had at the moment of her death, bedraggled, her throat torn open and blood staining her chin, the front of her body and forelegs pink. It hadn't been a purposeful manifestation, she wasn't even sure if she'd been the one to do it but it passed after only a few seconds and she was clean and whole one more; she hadn't reacted in any pain, it was only a memory. ”I'm sorry. I never meant to leave any of you.” Recluse dropped her head. ”I'm the one that failed all of you.” ”Speech”  ’Thought’

It was almost impossible for Ghoul to comprehend what was happening. Was he dreaming? His mother confirmed that he wasn't dead, but then how was he holding her now? Even as he leaned back to peer into her cherry eyes to see those tears prickling. This surely had to be a very real dream and nothing more. In a way, that broke his heart. To know that he would wake up and possibly never see her again. The tears rim his eyes even more now as he continues to embrace her. Unwilling to let her. Nothing would pull him away from her now. He would give anything to have her back. Recluses's reassuring words did little in ways of give him any relief. Even as she whispers I love you, he felt his chest hiccup and his throat tighten. Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't it have been someone else? She had done nothing to deserve this fate! "Mama," he whispers again into her fur as she begins to pull away from him. Leaning back once more, hoping she would stay as close as possible, he looks at her. There is pain in not only his gaze but hers. He can see how much she loved him, loved all of them. No one was perfect, but to Ghoul, Recluse had been. She had been motherly, loving, there for him, a leader, a guide, someone to rely on and confide in. She had also believed in him and he had gone and fucked it all up. If maybe he had taken his future seriously, he wouldn't be in this position with her right now. Before he could dive into the turmoil of his thoughts, she was speaking. He trained his gaze on her, nearly unblinking as he listened. The boy knew what she meant when she explained not want to leave Imp behind. After Kali and... it was things that even Ghoul didn't want to linger on. His face wrinkled, begging his own emotions to reign themselves in as she continued on. This woman that she spoke of would see his revenge. Would know the pain that she inflicted upon his mother. Whoever it was, he would find her. Ghoul could feel the rumble of fury begin to build in his chest before he blinked and then... Standing in front of him was not his mother, but the image of a bedraggled woman with her throat torn to shreds. Blood poured from the wound staining her beautiful coat many shades of pink. Ghoul's eyes widen as his mouth drops open. Once he blinks again, she is back in the form that he remembers. Sleek, shimmering, and beautiful. Sucking in a breath, he shakes his head with his eyes squeezed close. No, no he had not seen that. "You cannot say that," his gravelly tones are but a murmur as he lifts a paw in an attempt to lift her chin. "We should have been there for you. I should have gone after Imp," Ghoul's voice becomes terse as he clamps his teeth together. So where was Imp now? Viscera? The rest? His ears fold back as he tries to touch his paw to her cheek. "You have never failed me as a mother. I-we all miss you every day," Ghoul whispers softly as tears finally roll down his cheeks.

Her heart was breaking seeing how much her passing had hurt her son. She had never wanted to hurt any of them... She could only hope they were doing okay, she wanted them to thrive but would take surviving for now. Her youngest who hadn't even been a year old when she'd died, her boys who'd always made her life so hectic, her only remaining adult daughter who had always been the easiest to just sit and talk with, her husband who she'd never given the children he'd deserved, her king who had probably been the one to find her and had deserved better than that, hell even her nephew Veigar who's short life had been so full of death. She'd left all of them! And her heart shattered for each of them. Her little display over the woman stepped back in towards her son and gently placed a fore paw behind his head to pull him in closer, wishing desperately their contact felt more like it had when she'd been alive. ”Gremlin, promise me something. Promise you won't live in the past. Nothing can change it and the last thing I'd want is for you to stop living for the future.” When had she last referred to this litter as Gremlins? When they'd been so young, her memories of that time clouded by pain and darkness and wet leaking from her face... The wraith sought to place her forehead on her son's, eyes closing. ”I love you all so much.” She squeezed them closer for a moment as emphasis. ”And any sleep you fall into while wishing to see me out of love, well I don't leave here. I cannot promise it will always work, I'm not even sure how it does but know I sometimes see you when you're dreaming. And I can be happy knowing you're all alive.” It was true, the fleeting glimpses of consciousness she'd been granted when one of them had come close had let her know they were alive, and she couldn't ask for more than that! ”Grieve but don't dwell Ghoul, I want you to live for you, not me.” ”Speech”  ’Thought’

As much as they clung to each other, Ghoul could tell it wasn't entirely real. For how much he begged the heavens to allow him to truly hug his mother one last time, he knew deep down it wasn't possible. So he would close his eyes, allow Recluse to draw his forehead toward hers, and soak in whatever contact he could. Unsure how long this dream would last, he wanted to savor every second. He can't help the tremble in his jaw as she speaks. Gremlin. How long had it been since he'd heard that? His heart can't help but stutter. He couldn't keep that promise. How could he? As he steels, clenching his jaw and bracing himself, he forces himself to nod. "Of course, Mother," he whispers, barely a breath before she continues to console him. The feeling of her squeezing him alone was enough to quell some of the pain. She had a point and he hoped that he would be able to see her again sometime. And knowing that she could see them did make him feel better - sort of. It still wasn't the same. "Mother, I-I am happy. I know you weren't ever fond of Medusa, but she provided shelter and a home when the others left us. Your loss and death proved that those who aligned with you care for no one but themselves," Ghoul's voice trembles as he continues to press himself into her. "But Medusa respects me and gives me purpose within her pack. I-I even found a girl. She's wild, but she's tiny and needs to be cared for. I-I'm not sure I'm in love with her, but there's something there that I can't deny," his voice is hoarse as he confesses his life to his mother. How much she knew or had seen he was unsure of, but he figured it best she hear it directly from him.