The moment she felt the real contractions begin, it had seemed like the rest of the world had grown burry at the edges. Insignificant. Unimportant. This would be the sum of all of her lived experiences. Everything else simply faded. Theory knew, when she looked back at her life, there would be a Before and there would be an After once she came out on the other side of this... and she was ready for it. Thalia had already passed through the eye of this needle and was sleeping fitfully beside her, nursing the surviving pups. They had already lost one. Her sharp healer's brain knew it was to be expected, especially given their advanced age, but it was nonetheless devastating. She'd had to quickly bottle her pain and focus on the task close at hand. Theo had assisted at a few births in her time and knew generally what to expect, but it was another thing entirely to be the one pressing damp moss into a laboring female's mouth for her to suck the moisture out of versus being the one flayed open, panting on the ground. They had set up a dark corner of the barn for the two of them just a few days ago, sensing this time was close. Her niece, Finch, had prepared an almost absurd amount of supplies. It was the girl's first birth, and Theory put on a good face for her. Always thinking of others, even now. "Thank... you," she murmured, gingerly accepting that same bundle of wet moss she had just been ruminating on. Theo dutifully sucked it dry. After her years of illness, she had more experience being a patient than the healer who tended to them. "You're doing so good, auntie," Finch said earnestly. But Theory could see the spark of panic in her eyes. The poor girl's own mother had just passed, and now she was assisting in what surely felt like a doomed endeavor: the labor of a female barely younger than the mother she'd lost. Theory was set on making this as pleasant an experience as possible for her niece, and somehow, having that to focus on made it easier. When she wanted to scream and wail, she simply gritted her teeth and grunted. When she wanted to cry, she pulled a tight smile and buried her cheek into Thalia's shoulder. "speech"

Finch had thrown herself into preparing for the delivery of these children. Thalia had not been an ideal patient... reticent to be manipulated, touched, or helped in any way., She had mainly leaned on Theory for the duration of the labor and had reacted to the stillborn with a strangely flat affect. Finch had almost opened her mouth to say something - a small platitude, perhaps. A string of useless but comforting words. One hard look from Theory had shut her up. It would be a quiet grieving. Finch struggled to understand but decided quite quickly it wasn't her place to say anything at all. They were her "aunties," but she didn't know the females. Not really. But she was here, and she had a job to do. She offered Theory the damp moss and was grateful when she sucked the liquid from it. Finnie seemed blissfully unaware that Theory's focus on playing the "part" of good patient was for her benefit alone. "Yes! There, a beautiful baby," she said softly, guiding the first-born puppy to Theory's side to begin nursing. "You're doing amazing!"

Everything seemed to happen in an instant, but likewise felt so excruciatingly long. Nothing could've prepared her for labor, though it was her faith that helped her endure. This was what she was meant to do, where she was meant to be - everything had slid perfectly into place, just as she knew it always would. Abraxas hadn't failed her yet and wouldn't fail her now. Though she endured her labor with hardly a cry of pain, on the inside she was screaming with each contraction. One moment of relief was followed by another wave of pain. The first child was born still, and though a different wolf might've mourned she knew exactly what had happened. A debt she owed to her God, promised so long ago, finally paid. Her slate wiped clean at last. Four healthy children, as far as she could tell, squirming dumb and blind against her. She'd urged Jay, Finch's sister that had come to support the laboring mothers,  to dispose of the stillborn child and thought little of it after. She was far too tired and fatigued to deal with it. Maybe later she would mourn, but mostly she felt thankful that her debt had been paid in full and she'd never have to think of it again. She curled her body tightly around the little things, some kind of motherly instinct miraculously appearing as she worked to clean them and ensure they were all moving and breathing unobstructed. Even as Theory moved closer and closer to the moment she'd just lived through, she wasn't quite alert enough to register what was happening. Wasn't like she could help anyway. Her eyes slowly closed and her body grew limp as she drifted off into some semblance of a restless sleep, grateful to feel her mate laboring beside her.

The intermittent pain gave her something to grit her teeth and focus on when Finch's ministrations became a little overbearing. Theory screwed her eyes tight, but kept offering tight-lipped smiles when she felt the young healer hovering a little closer. All told, she had an excellent bedside manner, but every mother's labor was unique. Some might have loved the attention Finch was laying on thick, but Theory found it overwhelming. Perhaps if she was younger, she would have felt differently, but at this stage in her life this process felt almost sacred. Too holy for bystanders. But she would get through this, and the end result would be worth it. Her life would finally be complete. Time passed through the eye of a needle, certain moments compressing to explosive pain and others winding down an endless thread. It was impossible to know how much time had elapsed. Another painful wave of contractions tensed her muscles. "speech"

Finch had begun to pick up on her auntie's distress. Although Theory was good at hiding it, she couldn't help but notice that every time she crept closer, there was a hard set to her smile. The young healer slowly began to modify her attentions. She started by sitting a little further away, merely observing and marking down different changes in her aunt's anatomy. Everything was proceeding how it should. If she was a younger mother, maybe Finch would have felt comfortable leaving her to labor in peace. Nature usually took its course when things were spry and young. Pups bounced back quickly from illnesses that would lay an adult low. Mothers in the prime of youth usually had quick, painless labors... but Theory was older. Things could take a turn in an instant. Finch was nothing if not prepared - as evidenced by the leather satchel full to bursting of different herbs and tinctures. For now, she would stay close by.

(TW: handling of stillborn pup)

Jay was even less certain than Finch how she ought to be helping here. The two women had gone into labor practically at the same time - what were the odds of that?! - and she'd decided to accompany her sister, to be moral support if nothing else. It wasn't like she had any skills that would be practically useful, but she could do what was asked of her. Fetch supplies, maybe? Whatever they needed, she was willing to do.

She hadn't expected to be disposing of a stillborn pup, though.

The request had been thrust upon her swiftly, Thalia moving on to delivering the rest of her pups. Jay could not argue, as much as she wanted to. The whole thing happened quickly and she'd expected more of a reaction, but then again she knew Thalia had likely been focused on delivering the rest of her children safely. It wasn't like they were young mothers - this was hard on their bodies, and she knew any further stress would only complicate things.

She'd nodded obediently and taken the pup's lifeless body carefully in her jaws, slipping out of the dark barn and into the sunlight. Immediately she felt tears welling in her eyes, for this child she did not know and for its mother that she knew practically nothing of. Dispose of it, she'd been told matter-of-factly, though Jay didn't know quite what that meant. She couldn't just... leave it somewhere. That wouldn't be right.

Making her way slowly to her mother's grave site, without even realizing that was where she'd headed, she started digging a hole for the tiny thing. That was the only thing that seemed right to her. She fought back a sob as she worked at the soft soil, not having to dig very long at all before she'd made a hole big enough for the pup. Moving it gingerly into the grave, she took a long time to bury it, fighting back a sob practically the entire time. Not just for the pup, but for her mother, who she realized all at once she hadn't properly mourned over.

Once she was done she collapsed down on the ground, caked in dirt from her paws up to the joints of her legs, and cried and cried until she couldn't anymore.

JAY DESTRUCTION-MEMOIRE

table coding by bunni ♥